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SHOUTOUTS!

To Daliah from Liesel:

Please, please, please be careful with your heart when loving a drug addict. I was there. I know that you want to be there, and be supportive and loving, the best of all possible girlfriends, and that you think that these things will make a difference. I dated and eventually became engaged to a junkie, a wonderful,intelligent, sweet man-- and a man who would quit, and then use "occasionally" -- and "occasionally," when the occasions are more and more frequent, is the road back to a life that you don't want to be in. I learned that addicts only quit when they decide they have to quit. It has less than nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do, and awful as it feels, you are basically powerless in this situation. Except, of course, to leave if he doesn't quit. That's something it took me two years to learn. You sound like a great partner, and you deserve someone who can be fully your partner, as opposed to someone who (in the words of my best girlfriend) is "cheating with the one lady you can't compete with."

To Dan from JulieBulie:

Dan says that the women he dates are "5 to 7 on the overused scale of desirability." Ouch. I don't know if I'd want to date a guy who doesn't think I'm a 10. Or at least a 9! (NEVER a 5... sheesh!) Or best of all, willing to hold off rating me until he gets to know me better.

And a special Aimee Service Announcement from Lisa (everyone listen up/read on):

Aimee, I can give you one good reason not to have a baby at 15 that no one else is going to tell you. I was 17 years old and a senior in high school when I had my first son, and I've been there. I'm 26 years old now, and even though I think I've done rather well for myself, I wouldn't recommend becoming a teen mom to anyone: but not for the reasons you expect.

Here's the true, number one reason not to have a baby so young: people in this country are prejudiced. The second they see you with a kid and figure out how old you are, you become some kind of "criminal." They won't trust you, they will conclude that you are completely and 100% irresponsible, and they will treat you as if you are stupid and incapable of doing anything; they will assume you must be an abusive parent; they will assume you must be taking welfare for all it's worth; and they will look at you either as if you are going to rob them blind at any moment, or as if you were an invalid who needs their help to so much as tie your shoelace. Guys and even your friends will treat you as if you have some kind of plague. People won't treat you and your baby with the joy of a new life, and they won't say "congratulations;" instead they will shake their heads and say "sorry".

I wasn't the typical media-image of a teen mom. I was a gifted-ed student. Much to the chagrin of my school principal and administration to whom I was an embarrassment, I stayed in school and graduated with a 4.0 average. I accepted my honors on the stage at graduation -- in front of every student, parent, and faculty member -- eight and half months pregnant and as round as a beachball. I took care of myself when I was pregnant, ate right and exercised, and avoided caffeine, hair dye and anything else caustic. I was never the sort who smoked, drank or took drugs in the first place. When my son was born he was a full 7 pounds, 9 ounces and healthy as a horse. That fall, I began attending college on academic scholarship. I discovered the university I was attending had a daycare program, and while it was intended for faculty and staff it was also open to students for only $2 an hour. I took advantage of it, and since it was run by the school I was able to put money from a student grant towards paying for it. I scheduled my open lab times during my baby's nap times, and took him with me in his baby carrier quietly asleep while I worked at the computer. I got a job delivering pizza on the weekends; my boyfriend, whom I eventually married, watched the baby while I worked. By working open to close, plus washing dishes, I was able to work nearly fulltime hours in only three days a week, plus tips. Because I was uninsured I did receive government help for my medical bills, however I never received welfare, foodstamps, WIC or any other form of assistance. Things were tight, but I didn't need handouts; and I knew if I stuck with it, worked hard and tried to get something of an education, I would be able to get a better job and make things better for my family. And it was true. Since then, I have written two books on moving and re-location, been co-editor of a national print/CD-ROM magazine, and have been director of operations for an electronic publishing company. Today I am a software engineer for a major video game developer. My son will be entering the third grade this fall, and he is a wonderful, bright child, an exceptional reader and just generally a good kid. His school teachers like him, and his second-grade teacher teases that all the girls do, too. I also now have two younger children, another son who is five years old and will be in first grade next fall, and a daughter who is two. They are all equally fantastic kids.

Nonetheless, it hasn't been easy and with the exception of the joy my kids bring, it certainly hasn't been any fun. Even when I was no longer in high school or even no longer a teen, people continued to treat me like crap. When I was 20 years old and trying to get a "real job" I found it exceptionally difficult. I was "too young to know anything about the real world." And, if they found out I had a preschooler, I was clearly "too irresponsible to be trusted." Of course, that's insane. If anything is going to teach you what it means to survive in the real world and what it means to be responsible, it's having a baby. When you have a baby, you don't get to relax for one minute. Everything you do has to take that child into account, whether it's obvious things like where and when you can go to have fun or not-so-obvious things like "if I take this job, does it have family health and dental insurance, will I be able to get time off if my child is sick or has a school function, and will it meet my schedule?" By the time I was twenty, I knew far more about the "real world" than most people who are thirty. Getting anyone to see that was impossible. I eventually got wise and started telling people I was 25. It helped a lot, but you can't lie about your age all the time... and it certainly doesn't feel very right or fair.

Companies in this country, especially, are very anti-family. "Good" employees need to be able to put in long hours, and put everything aside at the drop of a hat if a manager should page you with an "emergency" PowerPoint presentation that needs done. If you need to leave work at 5:00 every day to be with your children, then you "aren't serious about your career." It's even harder when you are young because you are competing against all those single people your age with no responsibilities, who have nothing better to do then stay at work and try to "get ahead."

Asking for help from anyone is pointless because "you have no right, you did it to yourself." In fact, anytime you have to struggle or are in the slightest unhappy--even for hardships that every normal person experiences--you will find that your friends and family will treat you as undeserving of sympathy or aid because "you created the situation" ...no matter if that's clearly ridiculous, and even if you helped them out of a similar situation in the past. You will even meet a lot of kooks who will tell you things like "your dog got hit by a car because God is punishing you for being an unwed teenage mother." I don't think God is that kind of creature and I think he'll love you no matter what and forgive you if you just ask, but there are a lot of jerks out there who will tell you otherwise. You will become a target for every religious fanatic, every welfare fanatic, every nutball on the street, and every urgency-addicted manager who is out there simply for giving birth in something other than the prescribed manner... regardless of how responsible you are, how hard you work, how wonderful your children are, or anything else you do with your life. Popular media portrays all teen moms as drug-addicted sluts who want to do nothing but party and don't care about their child. True or not, this is how people will treat you. Popular media also promotes the image that having a baby means you and your child will inevitably end up in the gutter. One particular episode of "The Simpsons" cartoon always makes me laugh: it is a flashback to when Marge is a young and finds out she is pregnant with Bart. Dr. Hubert hands her a pamphlet that says on the cover "So You've Ruined Your Life." It makes me laugh because that is exactly how everybody thinks of it, too. I don't think I've ruined my life, but I guarantee you that's what everyone I ever knew at that age has said. What is unfortunate is that it doesn't go away when you aren't a teenager anymore, either. It gets easier as you get older, but it never really leaves you.

Even if you find people who will treat you decent, it's still hard to fit in. It's like being between worlds. I have a lot of "older" friends (people in their mid-30's, early 40's) who have kids my age. While we can talk about work, and family and those kind of things, it's hard to "hang out" because they don't have the same social experiences, they don't like the same music, and they complain about their knees too much to play sports. It's hard to find something in common to do, other than completely-family stuff like going to the zoo with the kids. Going to the zoo or the museum is fun, but sometimes I want to be just a regular "adult" and not just a "mom." My younger friends like to talk about the same music, or computer games, or sports, but they don't really understand or care about all this "kid stuff." They're don't give me hassle about it when I can't go see an "R" rated movie because I don't have a babysitter, but eventually they quit asking if I want to go out at all. They think I'm a jerk for liking the Nintendo64 instead of the PlayStation because it's all "lame kiddie games," and they can't understand that with a houseful of kids a bunch of good "kiddie games" is exactly what I'm looking for. They don't have to take into consideration things like "CD-ROMs snap in half but cartridges don't" when they make their purchasing decisions. I choose not to have a white couch and a glass coffee table like everybody else not because I lack taste, but because white stains awfully easily, glass picks up finger prints, and someone will bust their head open on the sharp corners. Sometimes my younger friends don't understand how tough it really is, and that even though I make decent money, kids are expensive little buggers and I can't always afford to spend my money on frivolous items. Plus, you simply see the whole world differently when you have kids, and sometimes it's easier to be with people who also have children. The problems is, when your friend-with-kids hits on your mom and it's actually age-appropriate, it can get pretty weird. That and when they start talking about parties that happened the year you were born.

The things other people say are true, and having a baby is a lot of work. Contrary to popular belief, however, changing diapers doesn't suck and you'll be amazed at how much you miss those "baby things" when your children suddenly grow up on you. :-) The problem is that when you are young, so much of your energy is spent fighting senseless social politics and trying to build a life for yourself from scratch, that you won't have as much time to enjoy that baby as you would if you had waited. It may not seem like so much now, but let me assure you, it is. Babies don't keep. They keep growing and growing no matter what else is going on or how busy you are, and if you blink you'll miss it. If you really want to have a baby, and you really want to enjoy that child, then please, wait. Finish school, give yourself time to not only get a job but build a career, and make your "nest" first. Find a nice guy who will be a decent father, because it is so much easier to have somebody than it is to go it alone. Trust me. If you're already pregnant that's one thing, but don't purposefully make life any harder for yourself or your children than it needs to be. The world is a hard enough place as it is. Give yourself every fighting chance to make your life the way you want it to be by tackling challenges one at a time, rather than trying to build every aspect of your life all at once. I know when you are 15 it may feel like you are all alone and there is no way out. Patience is hard, especially when life is difficult and when you know it means being patient for years before you get to wherever you are going. But you can do it. The key to success is to NEVER give up. Hold on to what you are inside, and your time will come. You'll know it when you see it, and you'll know when you are ready. When you are ready to have a baby, or to find a job or take a different path, or to make any major change in your life, you won't feel nervous or unsure like I'm sure you do now. You will feel peaceful, and you will feel it deep down to your toes. Everything will come together naturally when the time is right. Just hang in there, be patient and don't push yourself to do anything before you really have all the right pieces, and I know you will have great success and find the happiness you're looking for.

BG responds: Well. If that didn't just send you running for birth control/abstinence/a glowing future of your own design, I don't know what will.

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