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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful, caring, generous, funny, smart, sweet, cute, great lover of a man who makes me feel warm all over as opposed to only some places. This is my first long-term relationship that has me really thinking of settling down and a long-term, drama-free future.

So, what's the problem? Well, my boyfriend (whom I'll call "Hugo") is actively working to overcome an addiction to drugs. Well, the fact that he's working to overcome his addiction isn't the problem. Here's the scoop.... He hasn't regularly used for a couple of years, but he still occasionally falls off the wagon...and these "fallings" have happened with a little more frequency lately (i.e., three times in the past two months vs. two times in the year and a half before then). This increase has me somewhat worried, and we've talked a little about why he feels that he's been somewhat more prone to use lately (genuine personal reasons that would be too long to get into here...but they relate to where he sees himself at this point in his life and his personal belief system as well as having a lot of responsibilities in many different arenas).

I've done my best to support Hugo and his struggles against his addiction as well as I can. For example, we've had long talks about his addiction and his battles against it when he's wanted to talk about them, and I've done my best to sound honest and non-judgmental (i.e. reminding him that I support and love him no matter what, telling him that I will be there for him as long as he is working to overcome his addictions). However, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm not doing something or doing something wrong that is contributing to Hugo's falling off the wagon...even though he's said that that is absolutely not true. But I know that I can be somewhat high maintenance sometimes (i.e., a bit pouty when I don't get my own way, a little too heavy on the playful teasing at times). Also, it took him a couple of weeks to tell me about one of his later falling off the wagon experiences...and when he did tell me, he told me that he was afraid to tell me about it at first because he didn't want me to be disappointed and leave him. So, my questions after all of this:

1) Do you think that I could be a contributing factor to his falling off the wagon experiences?

2) Do you have any suggestions for me being more supportive of his struggles...esp. so he won't be afraid to confide me again?

Any insights would be welcome.

-- Daliah

Dear Daliah,

Over to our very own Experienced-with-These-Things-Professional, Belleruth.

"Well, yes, there is something you could do...you could stop being supportive. Period. You're in the perversely narcissistic trap of 'My love and understanding will heal him.' Appealing as that may sound, believe me, it's the road to hell -- and, anyway, it's his job. Plus, the trend is clear. His use is going up. This is not good.

Now, here's the thing: It doesn't matter why he's using more. Let me repeat that. It doesn't matter why he's using more. All you can do is tell him to quit using or it'll cost him ... you. This totally beats the long suffering, angelic thing in the recovery department. And is the key to the long-term drama-free future you dream of. Only you have to mean it. Be strong strong strong."

Love,
Belleruth (and BG)

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