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SHOUTOUTRAGEOUS!

To CH from Ted:

The comment about the Mercedes-Benz saddle makes perfect sense to me. CH may not be invading his friend's physical space-bubble, but he's definitely all over every other kind of personal space she has. He's in her professional space, her entertainment space, her hobby space, her relationships-with-other-people space, and her apartment. He pays for everything, does her big professional favors, and makes a point of supporting her emotionally through all her personal problems. He also tries to keep tabs on what she's doing when she's not with him. I'm sure CH would be shocked at the suggestion that he's trying to oblige her to him emotionally, but I don't see how she can help but feel that way.

Look at the asymmetries in their friendship. He's successful professionally, and she's recently had to quit her job. He holds some keys to her professional future, and she's been taken advantage of often in the recent past. He's always trying to broaden her tastes and experiences, taking her to "top-name concerts" and buying her riding lessons. What can she give back to him except the prospect of romance?

CH, your friend does need space. She needs to be able to solve some of her own problems without you, and she needs to feel like you don't need her to be someone she's not--like your girlfriend. Stop measuring your value as a friend in terms of the services you provide and the things you can give her, and stop showering her with--well, everything. If you really do want friendship, you have to leave room for her to contribute as an equal.

Hey, Ness:

I know there's been a promising update, but still: I just wanted to let you know that a lot of folks expressed their concern about such liaisons. Don't want to get too grim here, but folks have cited several instances of women who found themselves, well, cruisin' for a bruising. Literally. Make sure your brain goes with your heart.

From Self-Deposed Drama Queen!

Hi, Breakup Girl. This is "Tired of the Drama." Anyway, I just wanted to say, your advice is great. I know because I have been doing it for the past couple months and have gotten myself to a real grounded position of strength. I've quit drinking, gotten organized in my general life, gotten a great new job. My work in therapy is going very well. I've been dealing with the self-destructive urges I have that have manifested themselves in many ways-- drinking, drugs, promiscuity, guys with girlfriends, etc. I've been reaching out to my friends and telling them that I'm OK without going into the play-by-play. I've distanced myself quite a bit from the drama. I'm still with the Jerk, though. But moving away more and more. Once I halted the drama on my end, the whole thing is less interesting every day. I focus on things that are important to me (my friends, other activities, work) and to healing and coping mentally.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond. Something I also noticed with my sharing the drama with my friends was that it was so important to know that my friends cared. Because it was so hard for me to believe. Comes back to that whole not-feeling-worthy-of-love, self-destructive thing I've got going. But I'm now trying to get under the surface of *that*... and it's all hard work but I feel happier and more in control. As for the Jerk, I compare him to a scab. A scab that's covering some wound in my psyche. I can't quite rip it off yet, because that will just get everything bleeding and drama a-flowing again. But if I work steadily at healing it from underneath, then eventually it the scab will fall off. I do expect it will smart, I'm not expecting a pain-free process, but every day is more distance/healing, and every day I feel stronger and more at peace with myself. So, I thought I'd take a moment and update you, as you have taken a moment and given me advice. I know, it's not cold turkey, but I truly think it's setting myself up for failure at this point. It's amazing how ridiculous he and this entire situation looks once stripped of the Melrose Place trappings.

BG responds: Who-hoo! Fab. Just keep in mind that *not doing something because you're "setting yourself up for failure"* and *failing to do it* are the same.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MOSHINO:

Please click here, find someone to talk to, and take care of yourself.

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