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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have no spine. I am a generally intelligent, witty, attractive, strong woman and I have been in one hell of a situation for over a year now. Basically, the sad story is this: I met my boyfriend while he was involved with another woman. Now, I know No Poaching. But what happened was, we met at my neighborhood pub, exchanged email addresses, wrote for a couple months, and then he finally caught up with me again at the same bar, we started talking, etc. This happened a few times. We had this amazing chemistry-the first time that we kissed, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. A couple weeks later, I invite him to my apartment, we sit on the couch, and he tells me the "I live with someone, she calls me her boyfriend, but I'm not attracted to her romantically or sexually, blah, blah, blah." Yes, the same tired story, to which the next day, I said, forget it. I'm picking up my marbles and going home, have a nice life. But he then wouldn't leave me alone, he pursued me, and I relented. Which is a cycle that has repeated for a year. I break up, I relent. I break up, I relent. In all this time (oh, yeah, he doesn't have a job either) he is still living with his girlfriend (of course) and feeding me the sweetest lies. A few months ago (October) I FREAKED out. He had started dating this OTHER woman, and I started talking to his live-in girlfriend and found out all the lies. I had, what I termed, the Atomic Breakup. Not dignified. Not pretty. Mean and ugly and dirty and kicking and screaming. I felt like, maybe this is the only way I can finally get him out of my life, to make it as GROSS as possible. In the time I was not talking to him, I was developing quite an intense friendship with the Live-In. The Jerk and I get back together (don't ask, let's just say, I am very very weak when I see him and he knows how to hone into that weakness and go for the kill), the situation between the 3 of us gets weirder and weirder until one day, right before Xmas, we all go out and the Jerk and the Live-In have this HUGE confrontation and I end up taking the Live-In to a psychiatric emergency room (because of her suicidal tendencies) where she is admitted for over a week. (I haven't had much contact with her since) She then goes to her family's home for a week, and then moves her stuff out. And I have the prize of the Jerk. In her absence, I of course have his undying affection and uninterrupted attention. Here's the thing. Last week, she was in the neighborhood because she was on a date with some other guy, and she ends up crashing at her old apartment with the Jerk. We have a pretty bad snowstorm and they use this as an excuse for her to stay there night and day for four days. In which time of course they are sleeping together, as the Jerk tells me. He now says, he's "confused" and he "still has feelings for her" and "this is all a process and why can't you understand this?"

Breakup Girl, I am so, so miserable. I know this is not good. I know I need to end this. I just don't have the strength to do it. I've tried so many times and have not been able to stick to it. I have been so weak and spineless. I need your advice as to how to break the cycle. (BTW, I am in therapy, and have been for a few months now.) (In fact all three of us are in therapy.) And, oh, yeah, since all my friends have seen me go through this, I'm afraid to go to them for help, the whole "crying wolf" phenomenon. And, I know I have put forth a rather disparaging tone here, but I love the Jerk, although I see his manipulations and don't trust him. I would even BE patient and wait and make this work if I thought that he had any intention of doing so. Um, yeah, I guess that's it for now. I need your words of wisdom very badly. How can I get out of this? Thank you.

--Tired of the Drama (aka Just Plain Tired)

Dear Tired,

I thought this was an episode of Hyperion Bay until the part about the snowstorm. (Then I decided it was more like "Real World: Manitoba.")

But you knew that. I mean, you already know the level of real-life drama going down here. And the three of you guys are, like, tri-dependent.

Problem is, you're not tired of the drama. You're getting there, but you're not tired enough yet. That's why you haven't bailed. Or let's put it this way: you will bail not so much when you get tired, but when you get bored. And for a year, all of this madness -- plus trying to figure out why you can't stop it -- has been really interesting. Really interesting. As in, "Hmm, I'm sickened, and yet intrigued, by my tendency to go back to this guy and create bizarre uncomfortable friendships. In order to conduct further observation, I must repeat this fascinating and thrilling, though wearing, cycle."

So talk about it in therapy. It, not him. He is the nexus of whatever neurosis is going around. But to talk about him is to indulge his undignified hold on you. Talk about you. What's the deal? What is it about about the drama that does it for you? And, perhaps more important, what about nice, drama-free (girlfriend-free) boys does not do it for you? You tell me. I mean, your therapist.

Also, don't talk to him. Don't talk to the rest of his cast of characters. Don't talk to your friends about him. You do have an outlet; in fact, you're paying for it. In "real" life, it's time to quit and wean. Spring may be coming, but for the next while, it's got to get cold up there in Manitoba. As in: turkey.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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