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Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it ever appropriate to accept some heartbreak and pain if you think the relationship is worth it?

I met the most wonderful man in the world two years ago. He invited me to his house for dinner, and when I saw that his socks were clean (even on the bottom), I knew we were going to have something special. I love this man like fire. I like him as a friend and I respect the man he is. He makes my toes curl up when he kisses me. And I am fortunate in that I know that he is just as crazy about me.

Unfortunately, the man who holds my heart is also a man who is skittish about getting hurt. Years ago, the woman he was in love with cheated on him and broke his heart. So, he put up these stupid emotional walls to keep anyone from getting close enough to hurt him again. The closer we get, the more petrified he is that I will hurt him. So he tries to get out before I can. Every time we have a large-scale fight, he breaks up with me. My response, of course, is to point out that when we are apart, we miss each other. We're both miserable; ergo, we should try a different option. His response? He agrees that it hurts to break up and be apart from me but not as much as it could potentially hurt if we stayed together and I hurt him further down the line. I wouldn't hurt this man for all the free melons in the world. I want to put in the time to prove to him that I can be trusted with his heart.

So my question is this: is there a point where I am bound by my reputation as a strong, self-sufficient woman to kick him to the curb even though I still want to be with him? Do I have to tell him to hit the pavement when he calls and tells me that he misses me?

I am not a sap; I know I can live without him. I know that I could find someone else to love; I just don't want to. I think he's worth my love -- and my hurting -- every now and again when he runs from me. But after a certain number of breakups, does my name go on some list of "Goobers Who Let Men Run All Over Them"? Or if I say to him, "It's time that we go for couple's counseling and figure out how to change this pattern," can I still hold my head up among the independent, "take no crap" women of the new millennium?

Please tell me there is some way to keep my pride, and be with the man I love.

-- Not A Goober

Dear Not a Goober,

Wait a sec. You're suggesting that he's a goober for leaving; then what would make you a goober for sticking it out? Look, there's no One Thing a Strong Woman Would Do in this regard. Our foresistahs didn't wear down their heels in all those marches just so women could have only one option per situation; au contraire. And even before "women's lib," Aesop reminded us that the willow can be as strong as the oak (i.e. when it's windy, it's better to be bendy). Arguably, standing by someone that skittish takes superstrength. It takes strength to stay when you don't feel that you man-shortagely you "have" to. Damn, girl, reread your second paragraph. Worth fighting for, huh?

So yeah, it would be great to find a way to use that superstrength and brute force of will tofind a way to Make Him See the self-fulfilling error of his ways ("Keep leaving me like that because you're afraid I'll leave you, and I'll...leave you."). But that's a tricky prospect when his illogic is so entrenched. Plus, he didn't write, you did. So about you. First I'd say -- in what may admittedly be only a symptom-treating measure -- take a look at those scoot-triggering "large scale fights." Can they be avoided? Circumvented? Shushed a little? I'm not sure he gets that there's a middle ground between having no conflict (impossible and, if you think about it, unappealing) and breaking up every time one geysers forth. It's worth trying to set a precedent for absorbing those shockwaves right back in while you're still together.

Beyond that -- again -- don't worry about what A Strong Woman would or should do. Your job -- as such -- is to decide: how (and how long) can I live with him this way? How long can I live with myself this way? Give both of you a chance (or, sure, time with a pro -- why on earth not?). Maybe he's a superskittish Tiler. Hopefully, you'll find that out through sheer force of willow.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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