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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've already solved my romantic dilemma, so I'm writing to you (again) asking whether or not I did the right thing.

I met a guy on the net, we talked for about two months before I finally agreed to meet him. He's 33 and had been divorced for one year with a three-year-old son. His ex-wife and he were friendly, which I thought was pretty cool and didn't worry about since she had a boyfriend of her own. They got along, for the sake of the child, and occasionally saw movies together. Perhaps the movie thing should have been my first clue, but I never got the impression that my new romance was pining away for the ex-wife. I wasn't the first woman he'd dated since his divorce either, so I didn't feel like the rebound relationship.

I was seriously smitten. I'm a very skeptical person and I've struggled with the notion that this wonderful guy, who had every quality I could ever want, actually wanted to be with me.

About two months after we met, he e-mailed me to cancel plans we had. He told me that on Father's Day his ex-wife told him she wanted to try to work things out between them, and that he was really confused. He wrote that he really missed being with his son all of the time (which I knew beforehand and could understand), and that he didn't know if he wanted to go back to her for that reason or if it would even work out. He didn't tell me he didn't want to see me anymore, or to get out of the picture; just that he hoped I understood some of it.

I was in shock. I had never gotten the impression that he still had feelings for her. Also, she had a boyfriend so I just didn't give it another thought. He told me in a subsequent conversation that he had told her about me and he wondered if that had anything to do with her wanting him back.

I felt like there was no way I could compete with their relationship (they'd been together for 11 years and had a child). I wrote him a letter spilling my guts about how great I thought he was, which was something I'd never done before, and that I didn't think it'd be a good idea if we kept in contact. The intention of my letter wasn't to try to get him to "pick me," it was just me getting my feelings off my chest. I wanted him to know how special he was to me, even if we weren't going to be together anymore. I knew for myself I couldn't stand to be friends with him if he went back to her.

He wrote me a response telling me some of the reasons they got divorced and that he was really confused; and was going to go into therapy, and that maybe once he got his poop in a group we could talk again. I haven't talked to him since.

My question, BG, is: I know I did the right thing, didn't I, by taking myself out of the picture? Even though I met him way after he had left the marriage and the divorce has been final for months; I feel like a homewrecker! I know I'm not, but that's the way I feel. And I feel incredible anger towards him for not resolving his feelings about her before getting involved with anyone else, especially me. At the same time, I miss him so much. He was the first man I had Serious Feelings for, and I'm sure that's a factor too.

Did I do the right thing? I can't see myself doing anything else, but I guess I need some encouraging words about my actions to get me through the grieving/missing process.

-- Bibliophile

Dear Bibliophile,

Encouraging words? Sure. Here.

1. You were totally cool about deciding to date him, ex-wife notwithstanding. Which sounds a louder warning bell: their catching an occasional movie, or living an endless epic drama of their own? Who's to say? Can't say you were naïve -- what, you should dismiss anyone with anyone in their [recent] past?
2. About his "feelings" for her. Just because he was compelled, somehow, to reopen that case doesn't mean he was pining for her, in your presence, all along. It just doesn't. Heck, maybe she -- and he -- just felt over it enough to start looking back from farther beyond. It's okay and understandable for you to feel angry ; it's just that he may have indeed thought his feelings were resolved. Enough, anyway. Until she raised the question, and all of a sudden, surprising even himself, he couldn't say no.
3. You are not a homewrecker, end of story. According to one theory (one I don't necessarily espouse), you're a home-healer! (Whoo-hoo, yay, I know.)
4. It honestly sounds like you "did what you had to do for you."
5. And explained yourself as clearly as necessary to him.
6. Of course you miss him. Please do not date anyone you would not miss.

Bibliophile, you're fine. Sad and mad, but fine. You know what you're doing, and just as important, you know what you're feeling. Your self-knowledge -- and your standards -- have come way far since we first met. More so each time I hear from you. Believe me, I know you'd rather have a Life Partner than a Learning Experience, but hey, let's make the best of what we can in the meantime. Mope and grieve, and then log your bad self back on.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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"What part of 'no' makes me get called a 'bitch?'"