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Dear Breakup Girl,

Do men and women differ in their recovery process after a painful breakup?

Yes or No? and if yes, what are the differences?

-- Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Well, it's safe to say that men and women going through one particular breakup (i.e. their own) will differ in their respective recovery processes, even as a matter of principle. ("I'll show him/her I'm over him/her!" etc.)

But do they differ as genders? Hmm. If I could give you a definitive "Men, This, Women, That" answer, I'd be fixing to take over the universe, and that's not necessarily a good thing. If pressed, however, I might be able to make the case that men are, at least, less "trained" by Society to go and taaaaaaaaaaaaalk about a breakup with their friends. Those who don't could miss out on an important human need to bond and communicate and express , but then again, but I'm sure a lot of girlfriends wouldn't mind missing out on what can cross the line from "processing" to enough-already emotional filibustering.

But truly, in my letter-reading experience, for [almost] my-friends-are-sick-of-hearing-about-it-so-I-turn-to-you-BG She-Sharer, there's one from the "Don't Cry Out Loud" school (and that's not necessarily a good thing). Boy-wise, for [almost] every Wronged Silent Type, there's a Herr Neimand.

Which reminds me. One thing I relish the opportunity to say to interviewers who are digging for "Stupid Men!" type dirt is: contrary to popular belief, guys feel as awful as anyone about having done the deed. And having the deed done to them. And they want to talk about it, at least to a superhero. (And some are even super nice about it!) That's right! You heard it here! Men! Feelings! Helping! Sharing! Extry, extry! Sigh. Wish that weren't news, but given that sometimes it is, BG figures it bears repeating.

So I don't know, Ellie, maybe you're just curious, or maybe you're looking for an "explanation" for some difference you've encountered . If it's the latter, I guess I'd say don't bother looking for a gender based "reason" for why he's dealing differently ...unless you come up with something that's reassuring to you rather than dismissive of "them." But whoever you are, whoever dumped you, I promise you they feel really really bad. Better?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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