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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been on one date with a man I met on JDate and have plans for the second. He calls and e-mails me. I want to give him a chance, but there are things about him that bother me. First of all, he keeps asking me if I want to have a baby and how soon I want to have a baby. (I'm 35 by the way; he's 33.) This was on the first date, mind you (actually, twice on the first date and once over the phone). I keep telling him that I definitely want to have children. But the way men are, I don't want to scare him away either.

Here's the second thing that bothers me. On our date, we met at 7 PM at The Mercer Kitchen. He said we would meet for drinks and if we got hungry, we could get something to eat as well (which I interpreted as dinner). (They serve a full menu at the bar.) I agreed because if I didn't like him, I could easily leave after the drink part. As the night progressed, it seemed as if we were getting along. The subject of food came up, but from the signals I was getting from him, it didn't seem like he wanted me to order a dinner, so I figured I better not. (The entrées were around $20. He invited me out so I figured that he would pay as it was a first date and all.) He just ordered an appetizer to share, but five shrimp really wasn't enough food. I was starving.

He gets the menu again, and again it's like I can't order a meal. I can't figure out why he doesn't want me to order a dinner. We order another appetizer, and five scallops arrive. We split this as well. Now we are about two hours into the date. He asks me if I would like to get dessert somewhere, and I say yes. We leave the restaurant. When we are outside, he tells me he is still hungry and asks if I would like to have dinner. (Yes, I'm starving, but I've just spent two hours with this man. Sitting down for a full dinner at 9 PM on a Sunday was unappealing to me.) So we agree that desserts it will be. I order a pie a la mode, and he orders cheese cake. I try not to eat it all and manage to leave some on my plate. Meanwhile, he's complimenting me, making me laugh, and so on. I seem to like him.

But here is the other part that bothers me: when we talked on the phone a few days later, he's said to me, "Boy, you really scarfed down that pie!!!" All I managed to reply was that I was starving. Basically, his comment hurt my feelings; I'm not sure if he was joking or if he is going to be one of those people who will watch my every eating move. Like, am I using too much sour cream on my potato? And what's with the baby thing? What is your take?

–H

Dear H,

What's the J stand for in JDate, Jenny Craig? Naw, I know (though evidently traditional dietary restrictions do not apply).

Okay, seriously. First of all, shout out to restaurants: would it kill you to give six items?

Next: shout out to daters: Date within your means. Don't go to the Mercer just to impress, because if you block your date from actually ordering anything, you won't. If you can't afford it, make your first date, I don't know, knishes (2) in the park, okay?

So H., you're not wrong to be weirded out. Only thing that vaguely weirds me out is why you're writing this one to me instead of just tossing it off to your friends as a funny Sex and the City anecdote. The baby thing is strange, the food thing is strange and impolite, and the pie comment? I can't even ... I'm … speechless. It almost doesn't matter why (see the Third Paragraph Rule, below, in the letter from The Cheater).

I don't mean to be ungenerous, judgmental, or impatient. I am delighted to excuse certain lapses in etiquette and grace due to nerves or inexperience (especially because they can be cute). Heck, first dates are hard, and some people suck at them. Happy couples have often told me that their first date was a disaster. So yes, there's always hope, and room for second chances.

Do give him one if you like, Heidi, really -- but don't feel bad if you don't. Again, maybe you saw his bad first-date side, but still, remember what the sages say: If you date this guy, this is the guy you will date. Even though first dates are false grandstanding contrivances, they offer at least a teeny soupcon of the main course. And let us all remember our standards. IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Normal — not to mention generally polite, capable, and clueful — is a given, not a plus. Oh, and wherever you go, remember my JMom's advice: "Take a snack."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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