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Dear Breakup Girl,

I clicked on the column "Should You Declare Your LIKElike?" since that was the closest thing to my situation and then found the letter from "A Walking, Breathing Soap Opera" which is somewhat similar to what I am about to ask.

Here's the situation. About five years ago, I met this guy (I'll call him S.) and we dated for over a year. It was a good relationship but as time went on his job seemed to become the top priority in his life. Eventually, I broke things off.

While I was in grad school, and after some time had past, we began to talk. This was mostly friendly conversation about what each of us was doing, but we would also talk about getting together to do something "as friends." I wasn't dating anyone and he was "off and on" with a girlfriend (mostly off). Well, between his work and my work and school, things never "gelled."

Move forward to Spring, 2000. I finished my master's degree (yeah!), and moved back to the general area I was living previously. So, now S. and I are about 30 miles away from each other. We begin talking more frequently. I am dating someone and he is back with the girlfriend (I'll call her A.). As time goes on it seems the main themes of our conversations involve the disrespectful, unfair treatment we are each receiving from our "partners." Ironically, our advice to each other is that "you so don't deserve this and should expect better." At one point, he stops calling for about 2 months and when I call him he lets me know that the reason he hasn't called is because he is starting to have feeling for me and he feels that it isn't fair to me, A., or himself.

By April, my relationship ends, and his is still off and on, but the arguments and problems are increasing. (In fact, she has a problem with anger control, and has hit him twice.) We have lengthy discussions about this and I am not the only person in his life who is telling him 1) he doesn't deserve the treatment and 2) it will only continue - get out! Another point: they have been to counseling, although he was doing all the "homework" on himself and for the relationship, but she wasn't coming up with anything and once just didn't show up.

So, we kind of lose contact, until I call him one night, he tells me that they are engaged! He says he did it to appease her and that he let her know that they will only get married if he sees her making efforts to change. Well, as you may have guessed, they've been engaged for a month and things are only getting worse. He says that he believes she will try to hit him again and he told her that if this happens again, it's over. (I know! Why is waiting for that!) But, anyway, we have been talking quite frequently lately and he tends to be moving toward ending the relationship. He says things like "when I end it..."

Here's where it gets interesting. In the past few weeks, I have been developing some pretty strong feelings for him. At first, I said nothing and thought it was best to just see what would happen with him and A. But, on the advice of a friend, I let him know a few nights ago. He also let me know that he has the same feelings. He takes total responsibility for our past breakup and has matured in his thinking of what a relationship takes and the priority it needs to be. (Got to say, this helps him become even more attractive.) So, the night we have this conversation, I end up at his home and we talk for four hours. Everything stayed platonic (as far as no physical stuff going on -- we both want to respect the situation he is in.)

By the end of the night, I knew I was in love with him and even more intensely than when we were together five years ago. Both of us have grown and we have more in common now and the "energy" and genuine care between us now are deeper than ever. At this point, I have left the ball in his court. He knows that if he decides to end things with A. (and as I've said, all his thoughts are based on "when" as opposed to "if"), I would be interested in a relationship again. I think we both feel that this time we are both in a good place for it in our lives. We both are in our 30s and, as it was said in "Bob/Carol/Ted/Alice" story of April '98, most of our friends have done the "post-30-musical-chair" thing.

So, here I am... a "woman in waiting" of sorts -- but for someone I feel is worth the wait! The other side of this is that I cannot get him off my mind and I am hoping this breakup happens soon! My questions for you is: As much as I want to be with him ASAP; after the breakup of him and A., should I suggest a time for him to be by himself for awhile to have time to grieve that relationship and so he feels more "fresh" with our relationship? (Got to admit this would be difficult, but I sometimes wonder if it isn't best.) Let me mention again: We so genuinely love each other! Thank you so much.

-- LB

Dear LB,

Hrm. I believe that your feelings for each other are pretty sincere and strong, and that you've done all/the best you can so far. I also know that breakups are far, far easier promised than performed (sometimes especially -- ironically -- in the crappiest/stormiest relationships).

Still, I'd gently quibble with your statement that "he has matured in his thinking of what a relationship takes." I am not issuing an emphatic This Guy Is Bad News bulletin (nor do I mean to blame the victim), but: this is a guy who is dangling a ring like a carat on a stick in front of a girl he's supposedly not planning to marry (and wisely so) in the first place. So if anything, he's gonna need time not only to grieve, but maybe also to sort out what that was about (maybe even just in an exit interview, alone, with the same counselor?). Especially so he doesn't repeat some version of it with you. And that process is something one measures in effort and insight, not in Gregorian time.

And since you can't make him (or anyone) do anything, so what it'll come down to is your being ready and willing to (in your words) "accept" him however and wherever he is (and he might be just fine -- see #1 in my response here). But at the end of your day, it's your call, your informed consent. So is the length of time you should be willing to wait right now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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