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SHOUTOUTS

For Don't Stand So Close to Me and BG from Melissa:

I'm in a similar but watered-down situation. In my case, I'm 33, and she's 23. I'm the coach of our (adult) rugby club. Not nearly as formal as professor/student, but I did vow never to date any of "my" players (standards, you see). Plus if you think "dirty old woman" is a bad epithet, try "cradle-robbing dyke." Then I started socializing with her outside of rugby and wham. It didn't take long for us to act on our mutual crush, which seems to be growing into something more significant. There were a couple gasps of delighted horror from the peanut gallery at the news that we'd hooked up, but we're so blatantly happy that even the most vicious gossips on the team have been silenced. Maybe you'll be so lucky.

For BG: On the other hand, I wonder what I'm doing with this young 'un -- especially being the first woman she's slept with. I don't want to jinx things by dwelling on the potential pitfalls, but I also don't want to be blinded by love. All I can come back to is that it felt right from the start and that it still feels right. For now, I'll trust that and try not to listen to the voice in my head that occasionally says, "It'll never work." Because I don't think that's really me talking, but my old built-up expectations.

BG responds: Right. If rugby be the food of love, play on!

Also to DSSCTM from Amanda:

My mom was 32 when she met my dad (26). She had just divorced her first husband of ten years (who was her age), and he was starting to get tired of "sowing wild oats." She grew up in one of my state's richest neighborhoods and went to college for an MRS degree, while he dropped out of college after two years to do construction work. He asked her out anyway, and a year later, they married. Mom had me when she was 35. I'm 20 now, and they're still happily married. So don't let the age thing get you down at all.

An Update From Don't Stand So Close To Me, Herself!

I was so honored to be your "Predicament of the Week," though I hope not to end up challenging Brad or others for the honor of multiple appearances. You told me exactly what I needed to hear -- clarification of my concerns. Thanks so much. I have put it on the back burner and decided that if I run into him (not very likely), I will issue a low-key invitation, but I'm not going to pursue actively. And I have met a couple of charming men to expend some flirting time and energy on who are more ... appropriate. Anyway, thank you, thank you; you are the bomb! I am flogging your book and website to everyone who will listen.

PS Sorry about the confusion: it was supposed to be Eleanor and Hane separately.

BG responds: Who-hoo! Thanks! Okay, um, who are Eleanor and Hane?

To Calvin/Concerned Husband and BG from Not Omniscient:

BG, you say that women know when guys are scoping us out. Well, I don't. I am very in love with my boyfriend, but I still like it when he tells me that a guy is checking me out. I don't go along in my daily life looking around for guys to see if they're looking at me. If I'm at the grocery store, I'm thinking about what to buy. If I'm on the street talking to my boyfriend, I'm thinking about our conversation. I'm not oblivious to my surroundings, but my boyfriend can tell "the signs" of a guy checking me out more than I can. I like it when my boyfriend tells me that another guy is checking me out. I am loyal and faithful to my boyfriend, but I do like to know that I'm attractive to other guys. (Part of this is because, until two years ago, guys hadn't really found my body attractive; I was younger than everyone else in my class and didn't fit in at all and part is because of how little I care about my appearance.) So, Concerned Husband, I think it's very possible that your wife just wants harmless desirability index updates. And shame on BG for assuming as her first premise that women automatically know this sort of thing. I generally think your advice is spot-on, BG, but I had to write in this time.

BG responds: Oky doke, I hear ya. But I still say there's a difference between liking it when he tells you and insisting that he do so. Go ahead and enjoy!

To BG from Val:

Just a funny story: about two years ago, I wrote in under the name "Law School Widow" asking whether or not I was truly dumped. I was flipping through your new book at the book store recently and came across my question right there in print! After a good laugh, I thought that I would let you know that about four weeks after he broke up with me, he came back (he just needed some "time to think"), and we have been together ever since. Thanks for all your help, I and love the book!

BG responds: Yay! So glad to hear he made partner!

To Anti-Snob and BG from No Longer Waiting:

I am a 33-year-old only child from a pretty well-off family. I have always been a "have," as opposed to a "have-not." I rarely dated. I decided to hold off on having sex until I was married. That may sound old fashioned, but it is what I wanted to do and thought was right. I met a wonderful man one day. A mutual interest of ours dictated our meeting one another. We had met before, but I didn't really notice him until one time (we were in a camping situation), he sang me to sleep. From that moment on, he invaded my thoughts. Only one problem: he was still feeling bad from a nasty divorce. What does this have to do with Anti-Snob? Well, his ex was a well-off, spoiled brat like I am. Her parents, her life, her upbringing paralleled my own in numerous ways. He, however, was not as lucky and had a rather hard life. I did not know all of this in the beginning. So I went for it!

Even as I found out these things, I continued. He was, and at times still is, rather hesitant. He kept equating me with Her. I could see that, and often heard it in things he said (though never said directly). I got nervous but kept on the pursuit. I saw where he was living, and he was embarrassed. He apologized. It didn't really matter to me at all. He saw my house and, eventually, my parents' house. I know he felt awkward and for a bit there, I felt the wall rise again -- equating me with Her. Also, all along I was fighting his desire not to get into a relationship. Meanwhile, I figured out that I truly loved this man more than any other man -- I felt a genuine, almost unconditional love for him. This was the one - I felt it! He was so wonderful and treated me like a queen! We had sex. Yes, I felt silly and somewhat ponderous, as I knew NOTHING and he was so kind! He didn't make fun or act condescending or anything!

Well, time has passed. He has figured out I am not Her. My parents are not Her parents. Big houses and fancy things really don't mean much. We are extremely happy and living together now. I moved into his place (much cheaper, albeit smaller, but very cozy!!). Please don't make any judgments about anyone without knowing what's INSIDE. There's the important part. He took a chance on me, and I took one on him. I've never been happier in my life and also am SO glad I waited for the right time to have sex. Those two things together are making for the best part of my life. So being a 32-year-old virgin wasn't information I'd pass around to everyone. But everything -- sex, finding the right someone, living with someone -- it was all so worth the wait! You may not have to wait 30+ years, but do wait for the right times! And never judge a book by its cover. (No, he's not the greatest dresser, either, but who cares? I've worked in a few items I've purchased.) Good luck to all!

To BG from Amy: (followup to Self-Esteem / Do Tell column)

I lacked self esteem in a big way when I was younger. I am a heavy set girl, and when I got into high school, I decided I was going to be popular. I realized that my self worth wasn't worth losing. People can be very cruel, but they can be extremely sensitive as well. I had a lot of popular friends due to the fact that we had all grown up together, but the whole popularity mission was very demanding, not to mention frustrating. One step forward eventually led to ten steps back every time someone would make a joke or give me a terrible look. But as time progressed, I began to actually hear and feel the positive comments people would make.

Unfortunately, it is easy to overlook the nice things and focus on the bad ones. The trick is to memorize every time someone has a positive thing to say. Then when the negativity begins to well up, you can replay it. The thing about esteem is that it really is a choice. You must either choose to love yourself unconditionally, or not. In the end, it is your choice. It is true when they say that people mirror what you think about yourself. I am still overweight, but I am beautiful and I know it, and you can truly see it in my eyes. Just remember that great love and great success only come from great risk. It seems risky to stop believing the negativity that your mind is infected with, but once you do, you will be able to teach someone else. Every one is beautiful and amazing and special; if you believe that, then don't chump yourself out; you are a part of "everyone," too!!!!

And from Suki:

I am 29-years-old, and it's taken me all 29 years to get to a space where I feel truly comfortable with myself. I think that growing older into a woman has been such a positive experience for me! I have learned from many mistakes, from jobs to men, and I am much more discriminating now. In addition, I find that younger men find this very attractive as well. The other thing is about following your dreams -- since I have been performing as a singer for the past eight years, my confidence has risen dramatically. I think that when you do what you love, you become who you truly are. And I am gonna keep on doin' it!

 
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