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Dear Breakup Girl,

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now. She is 24 years old, and I am 26. We have a wonderful relationship. I love her very much, and I know that she loves me the same. However, there is something about her that bothers me. Since she is a very beautiful woman, there are many instances when we are out in public that I find other men staring at her. This does not always annoy me. I am usually proud to have a woman that other men admire. The problem is that my wife feels that I should tell her every time another man looks at her. She feels that every woman needs attention from someone other than her husband. She says that this does not mean that she wants to be with someone else, but that it is nice to feel wanted by someone other than your husband. I feel that my attention should be enough for her. I don't always tell her when other men are staring at her, and she thinks that I am wrong to withhold that information from her. Am I wrong? Should she care so much about other men?

--Concerned Husband

Dear Calvin,

You know what? If someone is scoping us, we know it. I'm sure she knows it. She doesn't need a seeing-eye guy for that.

So why would she put you through this Scope Trial? I'd submit the following: it's not that she needs to know she's being checked out, it's that she needs to know that you know she's being checked out. It's as if she's putting you under advisement that her hot-tickettude is a truth universally acknowledged. To let you know, for some reason, that she is somehow making a choice, minute by minute, to be with you as opposed to the rest of the leering hordes. Wantedness is nice, of course, but yeah, it's odd and excessive for her attention to need attention in this way. That's what gives her away, I think, as someone who needs re-re-reassurance that she's attractive and desirable.

So: when you're outside, mention the out-checking if you feel like it, don't mention it if you don't. And -- more important -- when you're inside, work the "what's inside" angle. That is: I suspect that the way to counter this is not to reassure her that you think she's fierce, but that you'd adore her -- and show her off -- even if she weren't. Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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