< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   SHOUTOUTS >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 30 years old and have been dating a 35-year-old man for over five years. Our relationship was dysfunctional at times to say the least; he cheated on me numerous times and I kept going back. The lies were/are ongoing and at times outrageous. Anyway, we've been having "problems" lately and haven't been getting along that well, and I've noticed that he is acting like he was when he was cheating. Plus, my intuition told me something just wasn't right. Last Sunday night, we were having a regular conversation on the phone and before I knew it, we were broken up. It was a two hour conversation, very calm, and basically he felt that he couldn't keep hurting me (although he never admitted that he was doing anything wrong). I feel like we drifted over the past month because I was so suspicious -- with every right to be. I saw the girl's phone number (the one he cheated on me with two years ago) on his call display six weeks ago! He said it was nothing, but I was not so sure.

I know now that he was cheating for sure, whether it be with her or someone else, as I have just found out he gave me a STD. My question is: do I call the girl? Part of me says no because it won't help me at all. She was aware of me in the past (we spoke two years ago), and it made no difference to her or her behavior. The only reason I want to call her is out of vindication -- to ruin his game. I also am tired of waiting by the phone for it to ring, so I kind of feel like I need to be doing "something." This wound is so fresh (five days) that I am still missing him and upset -- I haven't hit angry yet. So, should I call the girl?

--Susan

Dear Susan,

Oy. Well: you've got a medical condition. So first, do no harm. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. Second, do no harm. Calling her is an understandable impulse, but restlessness or revenge are not excellent incentives. Besides, "evidence" notwithstanding, you don't really know exactly what's going on between them. So I'd say don't cut out the middle man between first and second. Have you told him what you've got and where you got it? The rest is his job. If, eventually, you confirm their liaison (through legal means) and he for some reason informs you that he doesn't plan to inform her, then you may consider -- for medically warranted she'd-wanna-know reasons -- going over his head. But for now, nurse your wounds and your health, and pat your gut on the back for finally making you listen up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   SHOUTOUTS >