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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a professor at a small university. I'm 34 (but look younger), female, single, amazingly hip for this place, and very popular with students. I've been going through a long romantic dry spell (like Eleanor Hane-style long). This is not just a dearth of men interested in me, but also of seeing men in whom I could be interested. Like lots of people who write to you, I'm shy (public extrovert, according to your "shyness" column), have appearance issues (more below), etc.

I had this student who was just fantastic. He's smart (not the best student, but really down to earth and intellectually quick), hard working (not just at school), and funny. He totally got me, my sense of humor, and (biggest attraction) how I think and communicate. He's the one who always knew what I was talking about when the rest of the class was going, "Huh?"

He's 27 (dropped out of college and then came back) and graduated recently. He is also drop-dead gorgeous (not just my opinion!), very nice, and has some really cool interests. This is the first guy I've even had a crush on in a LONG LONG LONG time. He's not my student anymore, and he is living/working in the same town in my/his/our field of study.

There were some very odd tensions going on at the end of the semester, including some odd reactions to me from his ex-girlfriend/best female friend (also my student at the time) and some going out of his way to help me out with a class situation. Then a standard "enjoyed your classes" speech followed by an extremely long, complex (don't ask), drawn-out production of his giving me his business card.

My brother and his girlfriend think I should ask him out to lunch. They say I have nothing to lose. Well, I'm not sure there aren't some things to lose, and those things might be more valuable than a potential lunch date:

(a) It's a small town/school. My current students and my colleagues will almost certainly find out if it goes even to one lunch. Are they going to think I'm a dirty old woman or, horrors, predatory with all my male students? (And I have mostly male students!) The main issue here for me is student respect (i.e. not snickering behind my back).

(b) He might have a girlfriend.

(c) He might not be the wonderful guy I think he is; after all, I was his teacher, and it was to his benefit for me to think well of him!

(d) He was a bartender, and I know from various conversations (through other people) that he has women throwing themselves at him left and right.

(e) My insecurities: lack of experience and, sorry to say, appearance. Don't get me wrong -- I'm very attractive. But, I'm also fat (think Camryn Manheim) -- which gets you crossed off a lot of lists and makes you really wary of making the first move. Also, age gap -- am I a dirty old woman? Is this predatory? (Of course, I'm going to a wedding this weekend where a male professor is marrying his former female student eight years his junior, but she asked him out...)

(f) Potential to wreck a really pleasant memory of a great student/teacher relationship.

So what should I do? On one hand, there are the risks outlined above, among which (a) and (c) seem to be the most significant. On the other hand, I have a "fierce hunch" that this could be amazing if it worked out. And, wow, I hate to let a tremendous opportunity go by because I'm too scared to do something about it. I mean, it's true I wouldn't have to see him again (probably) if it didn't work out, but it's not quite as easy as asking out a random guy I met at a bookstore, either.

And, if you do think I should (gulp) do something, what, specifically, should I do? Lunch, drinks, movie, or a phone call to say call me sometime or what?

Were I grading this letter, I would give it a D for clarity, composition and organization! But I'd love to have your opinion. Thanks for all the good work you do! I'd give you and your team an A++!!

-- Don't Stand So Close To Me

Dear Don't Stand So Close To Me,

No, your clarity, composition, and organization are all excellent. I'd just question your conclusion that (a) and (c) are the most significant risks. I'd actually say it's just (a). And even then I'd say that at the end of the school day, it's mainly your other students you'd have to worry about. Or, on a really bad day, your job. In theory, anyway, because it does sound like you've got enough street cred / banked respect that the worst you'd raise is an eyebrow or two, not the suspicions of the Faculty Fraternization Police. That said, no matter how discreet your first meeting (we'll get to that), the rule of thumb here is to Assume Everyone Will Know. And that sadly, people can be more loyal to the grapevine than they are to ... people. Not to mention accuracy. So while your popularity could be your best ally in a potentially risky move (they might just say, "Cool!"), it also gives you more to lose over a hunch, fierce though it may be. Bottom line: before you make a move, think -- most -- carefully about that.

Still, the fact that he's graduated makes -- in principle -- all the difference. I'd have to say that aside from the campus-romance weirdness, your other concerns -- including -- are, while entirely valid, mostly Nerves 101. Specifically: (b) and (c) could be true of anyone you don't KNOWknow yet, so fair game/calculated risk; (d) So what? Maybe he hates that; (e) Oh, I hear you. And sadly, you're right. But crossing yourself off the list helps matters: none; (f) sure, but that's almost like saying, "We can't go out 'cause we might break up."

If anything, I'd add only the following caveats: (g) I don't think your age difference amounts to much in absolute numbers. But remember: this 27-year-old, for whatever completely wise, justified, and healthy reason, just graduated college. You already teach at one. We are talking life difference. I'm just saying. And (h): his being the first person you've really liked in a while could be an excellent sign that ... you've finally found someone you really like. Or it could be a sign that ... you haven't really liked anyone in a while -- and Ooh! There's someone really cute and smart who's maybe flirting a bit! I'll bet he's foxy in all ways. But do one more crush check to make sure you're not just grabbing at him in a game of No-Man's Bluff.

Still, DSSCTM, yes: we must do what we must for love. (And I'll bet that young Mrs. Professor is glad she did.) So, with all of my cautions and caveats in mind, ask yourself: which is scarier, asking him out (to coffee in the next town over), or not asking him out? Can you afford to risk the snickers? Can you afford not to give this one the old college try?

Let me know what happens, yes? Even if you decide to drop this course (or, ugh, if he does), you do not fail. Consider your feelings for him -- and your wise weighing of them -- as your notes for for that review course in LIKELiking Someone. Like, a living reminder that you still can and do. And that eminently LIKElike-able people do cross your quad. And will again. Which is why BG gives you -- and all your faculties -- an A for effort.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS: Okay, who is Eleanor Hane? F for BG (and my search engine).

 
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