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Dear Breakup Girl,

This morning: I have had it! He is a complete bastard for dumping me, and every time I see him, I want to slap his face (office romance).

This morning five minutes later: What did I do? Please tell me what I did wrong so you'll take me back!

Coffee break: For godssake, girl, pull yourself together! It's been two months. You are beautiful, smart, charming, yadda-yadda-yadda...

Lunch: That SOB still hasn't e-mailed me to say if we are going to go jogging together tonight? Fine! Hell will freeze over before I ever e-mail him first (again).

Bathroom break after lunch to touch up makeup from crying during aforementioned meal: Oh, my God, it's only been two months, and it's obvious he's gotten over me! Why can't I get over him?

Another bathroom break after receiving e-mail saying that he cannot go jogging as he is busy tonight with his other friends, but maybe tomorrow, and gee I'm so glad we're still friends: To repair makeup and throw up rest of lunch (completely unintentional -- I didn't pay $800 for bleaching to ruin the enamel by something self-induced).

Drive home: Still cannot bear to listen to pop radio and instead, pop in "Meditations for Manifesting." Still don't know what this guy's talking about; rip tape out in disgust; cry the rest of the way home.

Dearest BG, these are but a few of the interminable goings-on going on in my head for the 1,080 minutes that I am conscious every day. I'm sure it goes on during deep-REM, but I've been taking antihistamines every night to get some rest.

To make my long story less long: girl meets boy at work, girl chases boy, boy finally gets clue, boy and girl date for two blissful months, boy gets overstressed at work, boy withdraws into cave, finally has "I can't be in a relationship" meltdown, dumps girl, wants to avoid girl altogether (which is difficult in same office), girl convinces boy to be an adult and still be friends. Girl is a moron for thinking she can still be friends, and all of Sybil's personalities move into her head.

Without quitting my job, completing the alienation of my friends who are sick to death of hearing about this, or giving up and joining the cuckoo's nest, please, please, please tell me how to get through this! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

--Sybil

Dear Sybil,

This, I assure you, is your brain on breakups. But that, I realize, is your ex on the elevator. So as far as the healing/dealing power of cold turkey goes, well, the best you can do is lukewarm coffee.

I'd therefore recommend that you jog with a real friend for the time being: "staying friends" and "being an adult" are unrelated -- plus, in this case, that's a Fixx that puts you at risk of heart attack. For now, take him off your Buddy List, literally and figuratively. (At the other extreme, don't spend so much effort trying to avoid him at work that dodging him becomes the same as seeing him.)

Okay? I propose the following revisions to your schedule:

This morning: I have had it! He is a complete bastard for dumping me and every time I see him I want to slap his face. Normal breakup feelings duly noted. Opposite breakup feelings duly braced for.

This morning five minutes later: What did I do? Please tell me what I did wrong so you'll take me back. Ha, ha, see, there I go, just like BG said.

Coffee break: For God's sake, girl, pull yourself together! It's been two months. You are a beautiful, smart, charming, yadda-yadda-yadda, none of which means you don't get upset / irrational over a breakup.

Lunch: That SOB still hasn't e-mailed me to say if we are going to go jogg -- oh, wait, I didn't ask him. While I'm online, I'll check the weather in Hell. Yep, still hot.

Bathroom break after lunch to touch up makeup: A few tears are still normal, especially when a few sightings are inevitable! Doesn't mean I'm not over him, or at least on my way.

Another bathroom break. Just 'cause I'm making sure to drink plenty of water.

Drive home: Pop in new mix tape, "Meditations for Metallica." Remind self that slowly, messily, headbangingly, but surely, this too shall pass.

Okay?

And here -- regardless of how you actually feel -- is a peek at his:

Next morning: Wow, she looks good. It's obvious she's gotten over me. Ow.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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