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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in therapy dealing with my situation. I've confessed to my friends, and they are trying to help me. I know it's wrong; I'm doing everything -- keeping myself busy, trying to find new activities, working harder, going out, etc. -- yet I still can't get over him. He is a married man, 12 years my senior. Now before you go off on him, please note that I am a married woman and am equally incorrigible.

This man was a mentor, friend, lover, etc. for the past eight years. Yes, eight. I thought it would go on forever like that; I never seriously entertained the thought that he'd leave his wife and kids and marry me (not that I didn't fantasize about it once or twice -- I'm only human), and he did once tell me, "Any woman I'm with will have to know one woman just isn't enough for me." You'd think one and one on the side would be plenty. Sad to say, I didn't care about that until I was replaced in his affections by another. Oh, he still "cares" for me; he just cares for her more. In fact, I believe he truly loves her like he never did me. Oh yeah, she's married, too.

BG, I know there are several issues here. One: do I really want to stay with my husband? Well, yes. We have problems but I do love him and he totally scores 100 on the porch test, but there's just not a lot of spark right now. Two: I'm working on self-esteem to not need him or his attention. Three: I'm sick of spending my therapy money on him. I can't break off all contact; when I've gone weeks without talking to him, my husband will say, "You haven't talked to him in a while?" So I make up stuff. But why? Why him? Why after six months of therapy and Paxil can I not get him out of my head? Why do I still glow when he calls? When I think of how he treated me -- lying about this other woman (not to mention lying to her about me), I also think of how crazy-psycho I've gotten (beeping into his machine, spying on him). When I ask him about her or his lies that I've caught him in he says, "I'm not having this conversation with you."

BG, I am usually a sane, well-educated woman. WHY? (Asking all these "Why?"s makes me feel like Nancy Kerrigan after her knee got whacked!)

--Tessa

Dear Tessa,

Why? Why? Why indeed, don't you also feel a kinship toward Tonya, whose choices in men have not, historically, been as strong as her triple axel? In any case, here's what the Cleveland judge -- our own Belleruth -- has to say: "Try out this idea: what's going on is not about the actual guy and who he really is, but rather abut the romantic fantasy you've constructed around him. You have your 'issues' with real intimacy/dependency, as does this object of your obsession...thus the interest in married people and splitting the commitment into -- seemingly -- easier-to-swallow pieces. And thus: though the real guy is a waste of time, he does mirror some of your issues, so it's worth taking a look at him as an expression of that. And because the fantasy guy is more about you than him anyway, you haven't lost anything ... just the idea of a lover. So: you should treat this one like the addiction that it is. You can live through not calling this Gilooly. Take it 'one day at a time,' as they say."

Then see how your husband starts to score in the long program. If you really want it, there's still hope for the silver.

Love,
Belleruth and Breakup Girl

 
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