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Dear Breakup Girl,

You have no idea how much it pains me to admit that you were absolutely right. Over a year ago, you told me that the guy I was in love with "would not come through" for me and he never, ever did. Why am I writing this a year later? Because it took me that long to get smart.

I was in love with a man who came to my city every one to three months from the UK. About six months into the dating thing, I told him I no longer wished to have a physical relationship with anyone who did not love me. At that point he accused me of "emotional blackmail," although he did admit to loving me a day or two later. So the relationship continued.... Another time, a few months later, I thought I was pregnant. I paged him about 18,000 times that day and he didn't reply for two days. Later he told me "if you hadn't paged me so many times I would have called sooner." Huh????

But he came again a few days later and told me I was the most beautiful and sensual woman he had ever known and he loved me. So the relationship continued....

About this time, I started getting the tiniest bit smart. I broke up with him in July but we got back together again in about 72 hours before he left town again until October. In October I gave him a list of things he must agree to do before I was willing to continue the relationship (e.g. write to me at least once a week, call once a month, etc.) He promised to do this.

Six weeks later, I had received one call and one e-mail. Angry, I wrote to him and said "enough of this, good-bye." A week later he calls me from the UK in the middle of the night and asks me not to dump him because he loves me. So the relationship continued....

...until I dumped him again when he admitted to me that he hadn't gotten me a Christmas present because he "only gives them to immediate family." We had been exclusively dating over a year by this time! So I tried, and tried, and tried to get over him. I tried even to fall in love with Psychojealous Transition Man, but I just couldn't get over the UK guy. So, the relationship continued...

He was here again last month and we really had a wonderful time together. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore unless he agreed to make plans to move here and live with me in a year. In fact, I made him repeat after me "I promise to come and live with you in a year." But a few days later he denied ever having made that promise. I told him that either he'd agree to do this or in some other way show a commitment to me or the relationship was over. He said "Why are you ending the relationship? I still love you and I'm holding out my hand to you." I replied, "I love you too, but your hand is empty -- you are not even offering me a compromise."

I haven't talked to him in a month. Part of me wants to put this behind me, but the pathetic part of me wishes he'd call. I feel angry and sad and stupid, stupid, stupid. I was a strong woman before I met this man, and now I don't even have the energy or will to go out and date anyone else. But most of all, I am so confused! Why did he keep saying he wanted to be in a relationship with me when he really didn't? Why did he say he loved me when he didn't want to be with me? How come he got everything his way, and I didn't? We're not babies -- he's 41 and I'm 33 -- shouldn't things make more sense at this stage in the game? Please BG, can you try to help me make sense of this? Can you explain why I gave the better part of two years to a relationship that was doomed from the start? Am I really stupid? Is there any hope for me?

--Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Okay. Even though love is the very madness that defies method -- Whoops! Just gave away the ending of this letter! -- I will answer your questions in order.

1."Why did he keep saying he wanted to be in a relationship when he really didn't? / Why did he say he loved me over and over when he didn't want to be with me?"

I'd quibble with the "he didn't" parts. Since when do actions reliably reflect feelings? There's good news and bad news therein. Good news: we stay at work, say, when we'd rather pack a picnic. Bad news: We bob and weave to avoid people we love. We like the way our feelings feel until someone wants to tether them. So when he said what he said I don't think he was lying; I think he was, yes, feeling love-type feelings, but also surviving. Saying what he had to say to get through the moment. Applying WD-40 to the conversation to make it move smoothly, to get the wheels going fast enough to spin him off to safety. Faint praise, I know. But hey, WD-40 is strong stuff. Just don't want you to feel quite so bad that it was enough, each time, to muffle your squeaking.

2. "How come he got everything his way, and I didn't?"

Totally no fair!

3. "...he's 41 and I'm 33. Shouldn't things make more sense at this stage in the game?"

Are you kidding?! They're way more complicated! I mean, teen/20s dating is no Easy Bake Oven, but the "older" you get, the more set you are in your ways, your job, your self. The more you worry about the fewer "chances" you'll have. The more you recalculate your personal dreams/standards:"reality" ratio. Yeah, this is heady stuff. More about this "sense" business in a few paragraphs.

4. "Can you explain why I gave the better part of two years to a relationship that was doomed from the start?"

Yes and no.

Here's the yes part: people stay in "doomed" relationships out of loyalty, resistance to admit they goofed, and loneliness/fear of having to start over (and kids, though in your case that was a false alarm). All so understandable, so very very human.

We'll get back to the no part.

5. "Am I really stupid? Is there any hope for me?"

Oh, sure there's hope. Most definitely. See, here's the thing I've been leading up to: Love, perhaps by definition, does not make sense. I mean, people are still trying to make sense of particle physics, and that's, like, science! We're not doing all that well with making sense of people, either, unless we quit assuming that everyone -- ourselves included -- will be "all of a piece." Which is why it "makes sense" that a "strong woman" might find her weakness -- if you can/should even call it that -- here.

Which is also why, I might add, it "makes sense" that it took you over a year to sort this all out, 97 theses, relapses, broken promises, and all. Maybe that's how long you needed. Maybe that's how long it had to take for it to ...take. Otherwise, you'd be right back with him, which is what happened until you were ready for it not to happen. See? You are not stupid; this is hard.

So are there still nano-fragments of him in your system that can be activated, Skinner-style, with one ring of the phone? Sure. Like, duh. Does that mean you're not ready to move on? Nope. It just means that, well, God forbid you'd be that involved with someone you wouldn't miss. Look, Elizabeth, it's been only a month. Nurse your wounds. Don't date if you don't feel like it for now. And let yourself off the hook. Forget "sense." Make, like, a rootbeer float.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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