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Dear Breakup Girl,

I WANT HER BACK! I recently broke up with my girlfriend of three years. She just called me up at work and said we needed to talk. I ran to her work from mine and suddenly I'm a beautiful person whom she loves dearly but just can't be with anymore. I took it rather well -- just like any mature, young adult wearing a suit and tie would -- and bawled my eyes out while showering a park bin with my lunch.

From what I gather, the problem was that we fought often enough to make her feel down all the time. Yes, we fought about silly things on the way to work and would end up being grumpy with one another, but there was so much more to our relationship. Sadly these "poor communication" fights got more regular in the last six months. I realize that I was half to blame for these arguments, but I was so sure that we could iron things out. It's just that we both had a lot of other things going on around us that got us sidetracked from addressing the real issues of our relationship (like the fact that we were both so crazy about one another that jealousy sometimes reared it's ugly head etc. etc.).

So, she calls the relationship off and tells me she still loves me but just not in that way anymore. I know this isn't true, and I'm positive we broke up mainly, if not solely, because she was sick of arguing. She told me that she didn't know what would happen a few weeks down the track, but for now, the best thing was to separate. I falsely agreed.

My problem, apart from the obvious pain I'm going through not seeing her, relates to post breakup events. You see, I went through a total freak-out stage where I just couldn't believe that it was over and kept calling for the first couple of days, begging for her to come back to me, no matter how often everyone told me not to. This seemed to really upset her. Then I started asking the "How is she doing?" "What is she doing?" "Has she asked about me?" "What color are her shoes today?" kind of questions to our mutual friends and confiding in them my feelings, hurts confusions, etc. This didn't really go down so well because they repeated and misconstrued every word, and she rang me up and abused me. She won't call me; she won't even come near me, yet I've done nothing wrong like cheat.

People are trying to say that she just needs time, but how much time? I wrote her a letter saying, "Thank you for all the good times and sorry about the bad. I'll always love you," etc. etc. But she didn't even mention it or reply. Why won't she talk about it? That's all I want to do. What should I do to get her back? Stay away? Stay close? Write more letters? I'm dying here.

--Quite Extremely Upset and Confused Exclamation Mark

Dear QEUC!

Oh, buddy. So sorry.

Okay. Now, I'm not asking you to, like, agree with her. But I will ask you to stand, briefly and uncomfortably, in her shoes, no matter what color they are. Why the breakup -- and ensuing radio silence? I know it feels like indifference -- which is worse than hate ... wouldn't it be "great" to at least be arguing about the breakup, like old times? -- but it may very well not be. "I love you...just not in that way " is often fluffy flabby Breakupese for the otherwise flailing "I...just...I...can't...I...don't...I... owe... explanation...have none." I mean, it may be hogwash, but at least it's a full sentence. Sure, she definitely could have thrown you a much bigger bone, but it may be something she Just. Can't. Explain. (And as for your own interpretation, well, "not in love" and "sick of arguing" are not necessarily an either/or. Lots of people love to argue as much as they love ... each other. Who knows.)

And now, it seems, she's not even dealing. But maybe that's exactly what she is doing. Maybe, maybe, this tough-to-arrive-at decision is so painful for her that she just can't "talk" now. She just can't. Maybe.

But Breakup Girl, you're supposed to tell me how to get her back, not how to let her get over me!!!!

I know. But the good/sucky thing is that they're sorta the same. See, hounding her at this time may actually just make her dig those dark heels in harder. Leave her, for now, with the memories of the good stuff and the sweet words in your (one) letter. Let her miss you.

Meantime, select one -- trusted -- friend to spew to; continue perusing the predicaments of others (particularly these, and/or these). Now and onward, do your best best best best to keep that Big Guy suit on. Let more than "recently" pass. And if you must write more letters, write them to me.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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