< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

SHOUTOUTS

To Juliette from Mia:

Prettier or thinner is not necessarily better. Everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but that is truly deceiving. Let me tell you what it has been like growing up as a "beautiful" girl. When it became obvious what I was beginning to look like (small body and D cup breasts at 13), people began calling me names such as "slut" regardless of the fact I had never even been kissed. When I went to parties, girls wanted to fight me and became absurdly jealous of me.

Finding a good friend has become increasingly difficult because girls tend to be jealous and always want to compete or steal your boyfriend, when all you want from them is a friend to talk to, to hang out with, one who'll lend a sympathetic ear. The boys, you think they want to be your friend, but for the most part, that's a falsehood. The guys you want to date? Well, they want to sleep with you, but they don't often look at you as if you were actually a person. You get put up on a pedestal cause you make great arm candy, but then when you act like a normal human being, they don't understand and dump you. Oh, I forgot the part about people thinking you aren't too bright.

No, it's not all bad; it's quite nice to hear, "You're beautiful" and such, but it grows old when you want someone to say, "Oh, you are such an interesting person and that's why I want to know you..." For the last few years, I've often wished I could be normal looking because I want to be treated like some of the other girls out there. And being pretty doesn't take off the pressure of watching your weight or worrying about what others think or even thinking you're ugly. It does take away your license to bitch about feeling fat or ugly. It has nothing to do with self confidence. I still get jealous, and my boyfriends cheat on me. (I've been told, "Well, hell, if I can get you, then what else can I get!?!) All my self confidence has been gained through hard work and to keep my body in shape, I take kickboxing and snowboard. I do these things because at the same time I am accomplishing something as well as staying in shape.

So don't try to be better than your friend; find your own beauty and learn to love yourself. Great beauty is NOT all it's made out to be, except for the casual observer. But to live with it all your life is not an easy road to take. Great beauty is when you like yourself as you are, and because you like yourself, you act in ways that make others happy. It's good character and kindness. Maybe you read this thinking, "Oh yeah, what a hard life to be beautiful," but I just wanted you to know that what you need to strive for isn't outward beauty, but to be a complete, beautiful person.

To Rebecca from Neurotic Freaky Girl:

You have two different issues. The first is worrying about his setting limits with his ex, and the second is his keeping you a secret. Treat them as two issues. Let me address the second one first as it is the clearer one. He can not keep you a secret. He may wish to, but it will not happen. The kid is three. She will at least mention you are always there. If Mom does not find out this way, she will find out another, and when she does, she will be pissed, and, well, she should be. Not that you are living with him, but that he lied about it. She may well be pissed that you are living together as well, but she doesn't really have the "right" to be. A judge really wouldn't care. A judge might care that he is lying about his living situation, though. And her level of anger at his living with you can't approach her level of anger at being played for a fool. Plus, she will think that if she can't trust him not to lie to her about that, how can she trust anything he says about her daughter? That said, this brings us to the first issue -- his dealing with his ex and visitation. Believe me when I tell you that this is more complicated than you can begin to imagine. Your first instinct will be to try to help: DO NOT DO THIS! You will end up frustrated; he will end up frustrated. This will eat away at your relationship. You will feel frustrated no matter what because there is this HUGE thing that affects your life, and you have no say in it. But let him deal with it. You can not "fix" this. It just needs to play itself out. This is not a war; this is his kid's life. If kid's Mom is stressed, kid lives in stressed environment. Things WILL get better, but yeah, he needs to cater to Mom a little at this time. This is a transition period. If he bends over backwards to coddle Mom now and keep her as relaxed as possible, she will not feel the need to be as guarded and neurotic in the future. Final note: invest in some books on step-parenting (Step-by-Step-Parenting was my favorite), and don't make boyfriend choose between your happiness and his kid's; you'll lose.

To Joey "Tight Lips" from Sarah:

You sound just like my 25-year-old boyfriend whose first kiss came two months ago. I can tell ya it made me feel very special to know that I was the first person he'd even kissed! (And he's a great kisser, too!) Come to think of it, you're not that different from me, either: my first kiss was a couple of years ago, when I was twenty-three. I felt so nervous about it and so embarrassed that it was my first time, but when I told my first boyfriend later, he said he'd never have guessed. Kissing (and good sex) are very wonderful, but it doesn't make you a "freak" if you get to them a little later than others. This is true whether it's because you are shy or because you haven't met the right person yet or just (as in my case) because you were taking your time to get to the point, emotionally, of being ready for all that.

To BG and everyone who shouted out from Joey "Tight Lips":

Thanks so much Breakup Girl and everyone else who gave me a shoutout. Big, wet smooches all around. I think you guys have got me past being stressed about that first kiss. Just knowing that there are cool peeps who are/were in the same boat as me is a big load off my mind. Of course, there is still the whole matter of finding a "girl like me." But I guess that's just a matter of biting my lip and putting myself "out there" (the hardest part for a shybie like me). Hey GJ, tell your friend to keep an eye out for me. I'll be the quiet guy with the wrinkle free T-shirt.

BG responds: Who-hoo! You're welcome! XOXO!!!

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER