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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend "D" and I have been going out now for six months, and I love him so much! (I'm 17 and so is he.) There is just one major problem in our relationship. It's my jealousy. "D" is not the jealous type, but I am in a major way! I am so scared to lose him because he dumped me about one month into our relationship for another girl. That same night he realized what an idiot he had been, and we got back together and have been great ever since.

Except for my jealousy -- I mean, it's ruling my life. I am most jealous of one of my really attractive friends because she flirts a lot, even though he doesn't think so. It just hurts a lot when I see him look at her like she is the most beautiful, smart, amazing person he's ever laid eyes on. I feel like he enjoys talking to her more than me but that's probably because whenever she's around, I'm not talkative. She is thinner than I and prettier, too. I am working out at the gym a lot and losing weight. I am determined to look better than she does! It feels like this is ruling my life! She has a boyfriend, but I feel like "D" would dump me if she were single! I know he loves me, but I'm so jealous! HELP!!!

--Juliette

Dear Juliette,

So you're at the gym a lot. Okay. You know the treadmill? You know how you keep going and going on it, and you work up a sweat, but you don't actually get anywhere? That, sweetie, is kind of the way things will be if you keep trying and trying to look better than your friend "in order" to keep your -- or any -- boyfriend and his attention.

Here's what I mean. BG knows that there is hardly anything in, like, our entire Culture that will back me up when I say what I am about to say. But if you want to start running circles around that jealousy, I guess you're going to have to try to take my word for the following things:

Prettier people are not necessarily happier.
Thinner people are not necessarily happier.
Getting "thin" (or "pretty") does not automatically solve anyone's problems.

Juliette, when you burn calories, you do not burn jealousy. Even if you got as "thin" as your friend, or God forbid had a facelift or whatever, you would find something to be jealous of in someone. That's because this flavor of jealousy doesn't come from something someone else has got; it comes from something you don't have...yet. Which is: enough self-confidence that -- even if you feel pangs, as most of us do, whether we "should" or not, of "Oooh, if only I looked like her ...!" -- they don't stick around. They wick themselves away like sweat on polypropylene.

So what would make a difference? Well, I don't love the reason why, but I do love that you go to the gym. Can you change your workout a bit? I mean, take up a sport or project? Train for a marathon? Krav maga? I am telling you that taking on something like that will make you walk taller and prouder, give you something cool to talk about even when what's-her-name is around, and build up the inside pride that shows and glows. All of which makes people jealous of you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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