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Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, you rock. Hard. You have made me laugh so many times when I really needed it over the past six months ... laugh, and say "Just so!" and "Right on!" and "Oh yeah," and "Oh my God, get out of my head!" So thanks.

And now ... here's my deal: I met the Prince of Darkness in summer of '96. He started seeing ExGirl right after we met; he and I had a bunch of common friends but never really hung out one-on-one until after he broke up with her in January '98. Sort of. They lived across the street from each other and when he said, "I want to see other people," she said, essentially, "Go ahead, as long as I get to see you, too." He took advantage of this for months. Yes, I'm an idiot for ever getting involved with him knowing this. I know I know I know. Okay, so later that summer we started actually dating. People knew about it, etc. Two months later, he ended it because he wasn't ready to be in something again blah blah blah.

We started "hanging out/sleeping together/sneaking around/everything but actually dating" about two months after that, which continued until six months ago. Everyone knew there was something going on; they just weren't quite sure what.

Last summer, he started aggressively pursuing someone I know fairly well and consider a friend. Not a close friend, but a friend. So he says, "Maybe it's time we quit sleeping together," but does not mention her. I say, "Yes, it's high time," because, well, it is. She leaves the country for a month. I do not realize that this has anything to do with his decision that we should continue sleeping together, but in hindsight ... sigh. Okay, stupid stupid stupid. I know. Believe me, I know. She returns. He disappears. Literally, overnight, he disappears. I get an e-mail from her saying, basically, "Hi, I just wanted you to know I've been out a few times with..."

Imagine my surprise and disgust.

I know that I am better off without him. Over the course of the year we were entangled but not dating (and, come to think of it, while we were actually dating), he treated me horribly. He was a complete bastard. I don't miss him; I don't want him back; I know he's a miserable and possibly mentally disturbed narcissistic bastard, and she's, um, a person of questionable judgment. But sometimes I just want to walk up to her and say, "How can it not bother you that you started seeing him while we were still sleeping together? How can you feel good about being with him, knowing that he lied to you about his relationship with me ... or did he tell you he was still sleeping with me while he was wooing you? How can you stand to be with him knowing how he treats other people? EEEEEEeeeeeew!!! How could you?!" I know that I should rise above it, and most days I can laugh and say, "He's her problem now," but some days it's all I can do not to say something spiteful.

Sigh.

So basically I need reinforcement and support in holding my tongue ... it is the right thing to do, right? I mean right as in "best for me," not right as in "be the bigger person and suck it up." Call me selfish, but I'm not real interested in being a big person right now if it means I have to swallow huge mouthfuls of "He was a complete bastard to you and he dumped you for her and now they're very happy." With a smile.

Just tell me I will gain nothing by ruining whatever illusion she's created that he's a decent guy, no matter how much I want to voice my outrage at what a bastard he is. Just tell me that one day I will no longer care that they both did me wrong, that I will no longer want "justice," whatever that means, and that I will get over needing to have my say. Just tell me... And thanks again.

--Scout

Dear Scout,

You will gain nothing by ruining whatever illusion she's created that he's a decent guy, no matter how much you want to voice your outrage.

Okay, so let's go ahead and schedule that. It will be -- roughly -- on the day you forgive yourself your dalliance with Darkness. I saw all your "I know I know I knows" and "stupid stupid stupids." I know I know I know you feel stupid stupid stupid. But to what end? People do stuff -- especially stuff with perks -- even when they know better, Scout. This one, relatively speaking, didn't even do lasting damage.

So let yourself off the hook. All that say you need to have? That's what regret feels like. But it doesn't have to sound like anything. (Also, I threw in the "much" and "mostly" above because you are human. Forgive yourself for the occasional "What was I thinking?" pang down the road, too.)

And by the way? Who says it doesn't bother her? Who says she feels good? Who says she's created an illusion that he's a decent guy? That perspective, too, should help you let go. Me, I'll just wait for her letter.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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