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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 47, and my boyfriend is 40. He recently divorced, and has a three-year-old. He is living with me, or at least we are trying it, but the first weekend his daughter spent the night, the ex-wife paged (and he called her right back) at 7 AM asking, "How is her cough? Where is she sleeping? Where are you? Get her back early, a storm is coming in." He didn't seem to have a backbone. He didn't say, "Don't call me this early again." He didn't say, "I can take care of my daughter's cough; I am a doctor. I can keep her safe in a good bed. And where I am is none of your business." He basically said (to my mortification), "I am renting a space from a frail lady right around the corner from the clinic and it is very convenient for me, and she likes having someone here."

I was horrified. I have waited a year for his divorce to be final, and I'm still a big secret. I realized that he thinks he might have trouble with child visitation from her regarding our living together not being married, but I am afraid I will be watching him jump through hoops and dance around this woman instead of confronting her and standing his ground. What do you think?

--Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Oooof! Oh yeah, that smarts on more levels than Frail Lady could climb.

That said, Rebecca, here's the thing. That was the first night. It must have been weird and freaky for him. In the phone moment, he was being Dad. Protective Dad. Freaking Dad. Worrying that, well, one false move [...in with new girlfriend] and he's lost his edge for visitation. Wanting to reassure frazzled Worried Mom (yes) that yes, Daughter is in good hands. Not wanting to provoke a confrontation, especially around daughter. What you witnessed may well have been more presence of Dad -- not to mention Judgment -- not lack of backbone.

Still, I know, not in your backyard. Let this once go, but sure, go ahead and initiate a Talk about how things will look during this new and peculiar and still-unsettled time. How long, in fact, does he plan to keep you in the New Girlfriend Protection Program? When and where will he take what calls from whom? What hoops are on the horizon? What does he consider your role to be in all this? And how do you feel about that? Calibrate expectations, set boundaries. And make sure everyone sticks to them. With complex situations such as these, you do have to do a bit of an uncomfortable balancing act among standing your ground, asserting your space, drawing your limits — and yes, biting your tongue. Okay, Strong Lady?

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Wait, a three-year-old? Not that she necessarily knows the word "frail," but isn't she at least verbal enough to threaten to blow his cover? Just wondering.

 
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