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| March 27, 2000 CONTINUED |
e-mail to a friend in need
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NEXT LETTER > Predicament of the Week
I've been so stupid recently! I need your help trying to figure out how I can undo what I've done -- or how I can relax, if that be the case. Let me begin with my story: I'm thirty-six and have never been married. I've only had sex once, and that was the most carefully planned thing ever. You see, I've always desperately wanted a child, a kid of my own, who is utterly and completely mine. Eight years ago, I commenced my plan to have this child. I was at my ten-year class reunion and had my target picked out. There was a guy I had had a crush on throughout high school: an intelligent guy gone wrong. He was in trouble and would do most anything for a little money. I offered him a thousand dollars to have sex with me once, on my terms and then forget it ever occurred. He wasn't allowed to tell a soul. As I expected, I got pregnant that night. After moving half way across the country, I told my parents about my "unexpected embarrassment" and started a new life. In approximately nine months, I was living the happy life of a loving, but slightly strict, single mother with a newborn daughter. Now she is seven. And about a month ago, the guy appeared in my office. The father, the one true love I've ever had, said he's changed and wants to be a part of his daughter's life. I told him she wasn't his daughter and better not ever be told anything different. I still invited him over for dinner. My daughter loves him and sometimes even refers to him as "Uncle Joe." It is nice to have some adult company because I haven't talked to any real adults outside of work with the exception of my sister since my daughter's birth. Yet I'm worried that it is dangerous to get involved with anyone, much less my daughter's unknown father. I feel I have gotten a little too comfortable with having him around. Like today, I stupidly let Joe stay with my daughter while I went to the grocery store. It's not as if I don't trust him, but what if Katherine or I get a little too close to him? Can I reasonably get my daughter's father out of our lives or don't you believe that is necessary? --Tamarya
Now that you mention it, reunions are an excellent place to re-meet people. Then again, so is your dinner table. Meaning what? That first you think you need to corner this guy at I.P.U.* and pay him to give you the time of night ... but then when he walks right up and knocks on your door, um, as a volunteer, you do no more, in effect, than peer at him from behind the chain. While standing between him and your -- YOURyour -- daughter. How come? Our own Belleruth is curious as well. "Tamarya, why are you resisting pursuing an adult relationship with someone you've called your 'one true love?' (Of course, we don't know from your e-mail what circumstantial/character problems there might be.. but if not him, why not someone else?) All things being equal, I bet little Katherine would indeed delight in some kind of extended family/grownup friends... as might you. As with sex, friends are to be enjoyed, cherished and yukked with, life-long. Opening your door/life to him/them has nothing to do with relinquishing the control and ownership that you seem to crave...to a fault. The price of high control, in fact, is high deprivation. And your daughter will feel it too, Tamarya; actually, I'd go so far as to suggest that as soon as she gets old enough to want to wriggle out of your control, she very well may. Never mind whichever Joe Father Figure... we also don't want Katherine to break your heart. My recommendation: your thousands would be best spent with a smart, patient counselor who can help you investigate how your 'loss' of control could well be your gain...of a rich and full life." And remember, grocery stores are also excellent places to meet people. Love, * Indecent Proposal < PREVIOUS LETTER || NEXT LETTER > |
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