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Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi, Breakup Girl. It's me, Tired of the Drama. Things have more or less worked out. Time has passed; situations are slowly changing. The Other Woman has been out of his home for over a year now; they officially broke up about five months ago, and in fact, she is engaged and living out of state. The Jerk is now My Sweetheart, and we are happy, more or less, except when we fight. We are in counseling and have been for several months, trying to untangle things. The lack of Zing that I complained about in my last letter is still sort of present, but I'm not as obsessed with him proving his love/desire for me on a daily basis any longer, so it's a little easier now.

No, it is a different kind of Zing I am worried about now. You see, he is 42, and I am 26. We have been together for about two and a half years now. I love him very much and care about him deeply, and I know he loves me too. But ... I am worried. I feel like there's a part of him that wants to be with me because he feels like he wants to settle down and doesn't think he can do any better. (This is based on some weird random comments he's made, coupled with my general insecurity.) And he's had his Great Love(s) and had his heart stomped on many times, while this is my first extended, "adult" relationship. He is my Great Love thus far. And I really feel that it is not the same for him.

So my question is, am I imagining this? Are the same forces (within myself) that caused me to stay in a painful, adulterous relationship to begin with now wreaking havoc with the relationship in its new form? Should I just let the counseling take its course and maybe we can come to a decision together? Am I being naive to think that there's that ONE, the one that will sweep me off my feet and wants to be with me because he loves every fiber of my being, not because he fears he will die alone? Should I just suck up and deal because deep down, I feel like he's the best I can do, because having fought so hard to be with him, it would be wrong to throw it all away now? God, this is so much harder than dealing with the adultery stuff. This is so much grayer. BG, I need your superhero spotlight to shine through this ambiguous fog and help me see the path (no matter how difficult).

--Just Want to Be Happy (Without Thinking About It All The Time)

Dear Just Want to Be Happy,

Oh, yes, this is grayer. And yes, it's the gray matters that really tease our brains and pound our hearts. Still, here are a couple of spotlights that might help.

1. Age difference means experience difference. You’re sixteen years apart. He'd probably spent way more than three minutes in the closet before you were even born. Of course he's been through more than you have. This simple math could explain/excuse some degree of "been there, done that, and that, and that" jadedness on his part. Still -- depending on one's personality -- that shouldn't de facto prevent anyone from having that "I feel like a teenager again!" giddy love glee.
2. Relationships are surely worth fighting for, but that doesn't mean the only worthwhile ones are the ones you've fought for.
3. Rock-bottom line: Does he think you're the bomb? And you him? I'm just as worried about the latter, given (2).

JWTBH, keep in mind that you will probably Think About it All the Time no matter whom you're with. You will probably be your own personal dry-ice fog machine, clouding whatever might have been clear on its own. That's how you work, which is fine. But at some point you've got to train yourself -- amidst all the swirly stuff -- to train your own spotlight on the most simple, basic questions and truths: "Am I actually happy?" "Is this actually what I want?" "Is this Love truly Great?" That's the best you can do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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