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Dear Breakup Girl,

My significant other and I broke up just over a month ago not by choice, but because my mother felt that he 1) didn't love me enough, 2) wasn't devoted to me enough, and 3) might not respect her were we to get married. The thing is, I've always been extremely close to my mother, and rebellion was never an option for me; we talked it out and everything, and, well, I had no choice. We had an extremely painful (I'm sure you can imagine) breakup, after which I took a lot of trips basically just to get away for awhile to cool off and think things over. But every time I return home, the fact that I'm single again and won't be spending the rest of my life together with him just gets up and slaps me in the face.

Yes, after one month, I still can't get over him. The relationship lasted about 14 months. It was good; I love him, and he loves me. My mother decreed that we may be friends, but only at acquaintance level (i.e. in the eventuality that we meet, we say hi, and we say bye, and say nothing else in between). This is her defense mechanism for us not to get together again. It doesn't help much, I guess, but then we'd decided to go cold-turkey in an effort to get over each other. I'm not sure how well he's doing, but I sure am not doing that well at all. Whenever I go places we used to go, I am reminded of the things we used to do there. "Simple," you may say, "don't go there!" But it's not easy; these places are commonly accessed areas, and he lives near my house! We would walk everywhere we needed to go, and if I go places to which we'd never been, I find myself wishing that he were there to share the experience with me. Everything reminds me of him.

I introduced him to sunsets; I used to say, "Mike, look, sunset!" In the beginning, he'd just smile at me, not understanding the significance, but after awhile he'd call me on his mobile in the evening to tell me that there was a beautiful sunset just over the horizon. Sunsets. Dogs. Cats. Hamsters. Pet shops. Even fashion victims we always joked about. Music. Everything.

Christmas this year was a horrible experience. I went out caroling as usual, then returned to an empty house and cried my eyes out simply because he wasn't there, and Christmas wasn't like that last year. I stay up late at night so that when I hit my bed, I fall asleep immediately so that I don't have any extra time to think about him. Yet he's still in my dreams, and I wake up crying because I know it was only a dream, and he's really not there. Removing his stuff from my room may help, but I can't get rid of the computer we built together, the printer he gave me, his hairdryer, and furniture we bought together. Augh.

I'm sorry. This is too long a letter for the simple question: how do I get over him? I go out with my friends and keep myself busy with a lot of work. Yet in the midst of all these things, I still find myself thinking about him. Even if I don't, I dream about him.

--Unforgettable

Dear Unforgettable,

Your mom -- and your response to her -- makes Momclytie look, by contrast, positively absent. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty stumped. Stunned, even. I mean, if anything is going to send even the most parent-obeying, non-rebellious offspring out the window and down the rose trellis, it's love. Fact of life/history/tragedy/sitcom: Love trumps law. If you were going to cross your mom about anything, this would/should be it!

So what's going on? It does sound like you're old enough that -- no matter what your mother's opinion -- you do "have a choice" about all this. As I told Sunclytie: I don't mind her mom worrying, but I do mind her decreeing the exact circumstances under which you may (not) see someone. That admonition is reserved for when you are a minor (and again, I believe you are not) or perhaps when you are dating one, or dating someone currently serving time for a major felony, etc. Or if, seriously, after careful observation and profound rumination, she sits you down and tells you that she has a serious, informed concern that you are in some sort of abusive/harmful time bomb, and how can she and you discuss that together as adults? That kind of thing. But if you truly feel that you don't have a choice here, Ma is exerting -- and has -- way more control over you than she really, healthily should. Probably something to take up with a pro.

But even though I do understand how desperately you might yearn for Mom's permission and approval, I still have to wonder again: how come you gave in so readily? Even if she was waving a wire hanger at the time, did you hear even one polka-dot of truth in what she said about love, devotion, and respect? After/while you purge all these toxins -- which takes both time and, perhaps, furniture movers (new hair dryers, even) -- will/does Mom seem to make any sense at all?

Boy, do you miss this boy, I know. I get that earth, air, fire, and water remind you of him. But this -- horribly enough -- is what breakups feel like. I'm just gently suggesting that you could miss him terribly and secretly know that somehow, he's not The One.

But if there's really no one else but Mom between you, then insist on revisiting the issue; take a stand. I dare say you won't have a clear vision of your own Happily Ever After -- whomever you wind up sharing it with -- until you and she ride off into separate sunsets.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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