< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I love how Breakup Mom figures so prominently in your heroic career. Because Mom is awfully important to every girl, isn't she? My mom is no exception. She's smart, funny, thoughtful, kind, wise, helpful--I could go on and on.

But.

I am an only child. And only children, as everyone knows, get a LOT of attention from their parents. And my mom is no exception. She constantly worries about me because, she says, I'll never have another friend like her. And that's true too.

Now one area of major concern for her is my love life. Problematically enough, she has yet to like one of my boyfriends. That would be okay; as you say, sometimes moms just don't like their daughters' SOs. But the thing is, my mom dislikes them for what I think are rather poor reasons. For example, she didn't like my first boyfriend because he came from a large family and didn't have solid professional goals after graduation. In short, he "wasn't like us." And she doesn't like my current boyfriend because (BG, I hate saying this--it makes both myself and my mom sound so callous) he and his family don't have as much money as we do. He's a graduate student, barely making it by on grants (he and I live in London) and doesn't get support from his parents like I do. In addition, when they met him he hadn't shaved and wore his shirt untucked. Not that he's a messy boy, but sartorial matters aren't of the greatest importance to him (he's a mad scientist type). To make matters worse, my mother conforms to the stereotype of the direct, gregarious American (I love her, but it's true) and the SO conforms to the stereotype of the reserved Brit. So they didn't get along well on that front (I fall somewhere in between).

Nobody is perfect, not me, not my mother, and not the SO. But when my mother tells me she doesn't like him, and doesn't want me seeing him, because he's "not like us," it hurts. My mom is so fantastic in so many ways, I hate to just disregard what she says. And yet she is so wrong about him. I don't think a person's economic bracket ought to be a dating criterion, especially since it isn't causing a problem between the two of us. So what can I do? How can I bridge the gap between what my mother wants and what I want?

Thanks a lot,
Sunclytie

Dear Sunclytie,

Only Child Powers, activate! I'm with you, sistah. And I'll bet Sunclytie Mom is a superfriend.

But! Shape of ... a grownup! Form of ... boundaries!

Look, I know what it's like to watch your mom give great advice to others and then feel like a Big Bad Daughter/Dork for not taking it yourself. But let me tell you what her Mom Job is (and I really do mean this kindly): to worry about you. To make sure you're happy, in that "I'm cold ... you put on a sweater" kind of way. In the cases you describe, well, she may be speaking Snob, but what she also might mean is "I want to make sure my daughter and her husband aren't struggling.... I want to make sure -- in so far as money can buy this-- that my daughter and her husband are comfortable, fed, able to give me grandchildren without borrowing money or, God forbid, having to purchase some sort of used crib. I want to make sure the two of them can tuck away some savings, never mind some shirttails. Also, is he going to blow up the basement?" You know? Take it all with a grain of Mom.

All of which is to say: I don't mind her worrying, but I do mind her going so far as to tell you she doesn't want you seeing someone. That admonition is reserved for when you are a minor (and I believe you are not) or perhaps when you are dating one, or dating someone currently serving time for a major felony, etc. Or if, seriously, after careful observation and profound rumination, she sits you down and tells you that she has a serious, informed concern that you are in some sort of abusive/harmful time bomb, and how can she and you discuss that together as adults? That kind of thing.

So what to do? Remember that when it comes to advice from WonderMom, you can listen and disregard, respect and choose not to follow. Or eventually decide to follow and pretend it was your idea all along.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >