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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been dating this guy for a little over a year. I have a thing for older guys, but it usually results in intense friendships. This is really my first relationship (so pathetic, I'm almost 23). When we met, my guy was 39, and I was 21. Immediately, I was defending the age difference thing to everyone and, being the contrary little snit that I am, am now determined more than ever to make it work, "despite what they say about him." The difference didn't really have any bearing on our situation anyway, because we'd basically lived each other's lives -- same insecurities, same family traumas/abuses, same bouts with depression; let's just say everything that formed our characters matched identically (maybe I was a few years ahead of him in that respect, actually).

16 months later, I've proven everyone wrong. They say what a cute couple we are and think he's the sweetest thing, etc., but I'm going mad. I knew he had a drinking problem since day two, but he was the opposite of any drunk on the planet. He'd declare "beer-thirty" at about 1:30, drink about eight beers, and be asleep by 7:30 every night (another thing to add to the "cute" list). But its endearingness wore off when I realized that I have an enforced bedtime of an hour and a half after work, and if he doesn't join me for lunch, I never see him sober except for weekends. (He's asleep when I leave for work in the morning.) I see the other people in the world that are considered "boyfriends," and to date, I have not seen any of my friends dating someone I wish I were with (relationship-wise, of course). My guy is very attractive (as far as age goes, we go to bars, and they let me in and card him), highly intelligent (genius IQ), and the type that wants to help me get ahead in life. He's had a couple of suicidal bouts, the last of which was when we first met. He tells any doubters that he credits me with saving his life. He was almost homeless when our landlord broke a promise with him -- we live in a "spiritual" commune at Venice Beach -- and I took him in.

The scary thing is when I realize a few key points:

1.) He could not make it on his own; his life doesn't mean enough to him to struggle for it. He has so much to offer the world but refuses to work a 9-5 job to help me support our meager little lifestyle. (He's a kick-ass web designer and will work at that, but his clients are few and far between and not enough to support anyone. He's so insecure that he used to charge $9/hr. Now it's $18/hr, though he's rated at about $75.)

2.) When I get to the point where I just don't care any more (I'm an Italian Pisces prone to high emotions and stress), and I try to kick him out, he declares that he is the man and won't be moved, though he has yet to pay part of a bill rent (he's a German Gemini). I can not afford to go anywhere, and I shouldn't have to. But then I feel bad, because I realize that he's me, really. I want so badly to take care of him. To cure him. To give him everything that, in the best of times, I feel he deserves. And I want to settle down with him. But, though he has every virtue that you would attribute to "a good man," in a way, he is selfish. He won't stop drinking. He says he doesn't have a reason to because he isn't addicted to alcohol. On days I've requested that he not drink he has obliged me, but those days total little more than a week for the entire time we've been together. He says, "I can go without drinking, I just really don't want to." (Not healthy!)

3.) I'm not a very attractive girl. I have no other offers or options were I to go out there. Despite the fact that I will have ruined one life if I leave (he's often said that if it doesn't work out with me, he's giving up -- not in a threatening way, just in a way you can tell he means it), but I know that he is "The One." If I were to break it off with him, I know there would be no one else because no one else would know me on the same level as he does.

Once a week he says something that no one else in my life would get away with. I would break up a friendship on the spot because I'm not one to forgive ... except with him (but it takes a while). I love him, and he loves me, but the last thing he said to me tonight was that I wasn't worth it. (It being the aggravation I caused because I rebelled hard-core against the 7:30 bedtime rule.)

Monetarily, I can't leave. He won't go. I'm not sure I want out, but I can't change him, and I won't change because I'm mostly right on this. In one sentence, he's the best man on earth with one or two hard-core deal-breaking habits, and I'm not sure if I should stick it out or not. Please tell me what to do!

--Confused in Venice

Dear Confused in Venice,

A spiritual commune? Too earthly, even. Sweetie, you've swooped in to be his saint; if you think the 7:30 PM bedtime thing -- of an "I can quit any time ... " drinker -- is "cute," then you have the patience and forgiveness of several. Which I'm not sure is a good thing. (Remember, saints usually get that way because they're martyred.)

"The sweetest thing?" He is mean and ungrateful to you; sure, he's giving, if we're talking about excuses (with a side of emotional blackmail). And you are in over your head as far as being able to "cure" a disease he has yet to admit he has. "Monetarily, you can't leave?" Come on. You're supporting him as it is. I know that finances are, like, reality, but Confused, poor people end relationships. (And in that act of independence, often gain or rediscover the wherewithal to support themselves.)

Now, BG expects perfection from no one. But she demands respect -- self- and mutual -- from everyone. And you're not getting -- or building -- it with him, or even in this community that I guess is supposed to be nurturing. You've come to think that dutifully bearing this guy's cross is all you have to offer -- and all that the world will have to offer you. Confused: you're dating as Damaged Goods. "Best man on earth?" Not so sure. What I do know that you're dating him as if he were the last man on earth. Please stop trying to save him; save yourself -- and your world -- first. Forgive me, but "you're still young." And there is a much bigger, more forgiving world outside that commune. With nice boys who will worship you, in a good way. Don't believe me? Take it on faith, that's all you can do. If you're willing to be a saint, then you also have to be willing to believe in miracles.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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