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SHOUTOUTS

To Frustrated but Hopeful from SD:

This white girl spent plenty of time dating the stereotypical American male (white boys who were the stars of the football team, heads of their fraternities, and other 1980s John Hughes movie types). None of them made me happy. My Asian boyfriend does. Oh, I'll admit that in the past I never thought I could be attracted to an Asian man, but I've learned that I just hadn't met the right GUY yet. I would take him in a heartbeat in any race. So don't be hung up on your ethnicity. If you meet the one for you, she won't be either.

And from Just Jen:

I am a Caucasian woman, also in my late 20s, and I haven't dated a Caucasian guy in almost ten years. I am dating a south Asian now, and I dated an east Asian for a lo-ooo-ng time. Plus, I've been interested in other Asians along the way. I know a significant number of Asian male/white female couples (though I know of more Asian female/white male couples), and I know an awful lot of women of many races who don't care much, if at all, about the race of their sweeties. (I don't know if there's a geography factor here; I've seen a heckuva lot more interracial dating since I (1) left my white, suburban hometown and (2) moved to California. Maybe we're hipper out here, or maybe it's 'cause there's no majority race in SF so we end up checking out all sorts of people. Never mind -- as BG mentioned -- what Hollywood has to say about Asian men.) I'm sure you will find your Wonder Woman; she might be Caucasian, she might not. Rock on, Breakup Girl! Date on, FBH!

And from Asian Chick:

As an Asian chick on the lookout for a funny, intelligent guy, your statement frustrated me. "I'm also Asian. While there's nothing wrong with that per se, it seems to make dating somewhat difficult. You see, most of the women I'm attracted to -- independent, assertive, confident -- tend to be Caucasian."

Whoa! Hold the phone. Where are you hanging out? I think you might be operating from the same stereotype that makes Asian women attractive to a whole lot of Caucasian men: they are supposedly all quiet, demure, subservient. Okay, whatever! I'm an Asian woman, mid-20s, and (gasp) have opinions and obviously like to express them. This image of the delicate, fragile lotus blossom annoys me whenever I date someone who expects any of these traits and are taken aback when I contradict them or don't remain content to hang on his arm and look good. Actually, I think that expectation would annoy a whole bunch of women, across the board, regardless of race.

Having preached against this supposedly positive Asian female image, I must say that I did harbor some negative male Asian imagery that I only recently confronted. I groused as much as the next sister that the only Asian males you see in mass media are usually doing martial arts: Sammo, Jackie, Chow Yun Fat, Jet Li. Although I am big fans of all of them (especially the last two), they aren't exactly being shown in the same light as say, Brad or Mel, are they? Things are slowly changing. Asian males are getting romantic leads, but still these romances occur within very specific, "safe" contexts: "historical" (Anna and The King) or "Kung Fu Action" (Jet Li's upcoming flick where he is paired with African American singer Alyiah -- right on to the creative casting!). You aren't going to see Russel Wong (Joy Luck Club) making out with Julia Roberts on the silver screen anytime soon.

My point is yes, I wasn't conditioned to see the Asian male as sexy. Frankly, the last time I saw a hot young Asian guy on film was the love interest in Disney's Mulan. Sad, huh?

On top of that in my experience, I'd meet two kinds of Asian guys: the geeks or the super studs with the tricked out booming cars and trophy girlfriends with too much make up and not enough clothing. I wasn't too keen on either type. I started to think that's all there is out there, instead of realizing these are two extremes and between the two types exist guys who are cute, caring, intelligent, creative, very funny (that's sexy!) guys who could appreciate me for whom I am.

So, how does this help you? Just know that there are some Asian chicks out there that are outgoing, assertive, and can appreciate an Asian man. And, as an Asian woman who values personality and sparks over race, you can't think too much about whether things would be different if you were another race. It becomes frustrating and unproductive. You know the truth. The cards are stacked. You might have to work that much harder to get what you deserve. But remember that you indeed deserve it, don't wallow in the situation and think it's impossible, lest you lose out on meeting the girl that deserves you.

And from Optimist:

Since last week's column was about meeting on this Internet, here goes: Do you live anywhere near Chicago? Because here's one Caucasian chick who likes guys who like independent, etc. women, regardless of race.

BG responds: We aren't really wired for direct Yentization (yet), but you -- both? -- might want to take this matter to the board, so that you could maybe then take it off the board? (Just please bear with us during server-change mania.) And eventually to our regular chats? Stay tuned.

To Stacy from That Sounds Familiar:

Some guys just hate the ooey-gooeyness of words like "boyfriend." But some are just plain hiding the fact that they're your "boyfriend" because they're keeping "girlfriend" options open! Watch it.

To Meanie from Mellon:

It is not kind to go out with a guy when you don't want to. It may seem like it at the time, but trust me, there is nothing worse (at least on the dating scene) than having the girl of your dreams of the moment say "Yes," and then learning later that it was a mercy date. Nothing at all. Well, actually, there's one other thing: the ambiguous brush-off, when she just doesn't call back or "can't make it, but maybe some other time." If some guy offers his heart up to you on a platter and you don't want it, please, Just Say No Thanks. Like BG says, you don't owe him an explanation, and in fact, by giving him an explanation you're making it harder for him to accept defeat. Believe me, and I speak from personal experience here, being shot down directly and succinctly is a lot less painful than having to wonder if "maybe later" or "if I'd dressed differently" or whatever. And if Mr. Persistent says "Why not?" just answer, preferably with feeling, "I'm very sorry, but I'm just not interested." Don't give him details, unless you are hoping he will change, for your benefit, whatever it is that you don't like about him. Any information you give him will be seen as a request to do just that. The less you say to him, the sooner he'll back off. It sounds cruel, but it really isn't. And again, I speak from personal experience; I've been Mr. Persistent. I know better now, but your Mr. Persistents probably don't, or they'd take the hint.

To BG from In Hell Again:

First, thanks for answering my letter, long and rambling though it was; I wasn't expecting it. About the mosh-pit incident, I was trying to give you the ultra-concise version of the story because I thought my letter was long enough already, but I can see a little more explanation is necessary. It didn't start with falling off the ceiling; it started when the guy next to me said, "Wanna go up?" and held his hands cupped for me to step up and crowd-surf. I got lifted high enough to reach one of the light-hang poles hung by two chains on the 12-foot high ceiling. I had seen a couple of other people swinging on it, so I assumed it would hold my weight. Boy was I wrong. But not right away. I got to swing around one-armed like a chimp for a good ten seconds, long enough to notice a space clearing in the center of the pit beneath me. That was fortunate, because when I yanked one of the supporting chains out of the ceiling, I dropped to the ground and landed on my feet (instantly followed by God punching me in the head ... oh wait, that was a swinging pipe to the face). In the short haze that followed (dramatic pause), the band stopped playing and started yelling at me. When the haze lifted, I looked down and wondered, "What's dripping on my shirt? Oh, blood..." Then I walked away.

When something like that happens in a rough bar in front of the Goth/punk/whatever crowd, the person that did it instantly becomes the center of attention and the biggest, craziest badass in the room. Add to that the adrenaline of physical activity and the massive adrenaline surge you get after experiencing a violent assault -- the fight or flight rush -- and you actually get something pretty good. It was the best natural high I've ever had. This wasn't mortifying, it was hilarious -- to me and quite a few other people. This actually kinda PO'ed my girlfriend at the time; she was worried about how to explain my face to her folks when we got home, and I was just giggling and bleeding. And I know this became something of a legend, because I've had several people start to tell me about it, without knowing that I was the guy. I don't still curse myself about this one; I still get the occasional chuckle from it! So as you can see, the ceilings of rock concerts ain't a bad place for me to be.

Anyway, I think I get what you're saying: (Use the net to) find people and activities. You gave me some ideas. About dropping from too-high standards, well, I'll try. Thanks BG and John.

BG responds: Delighted. Hope you find a whole new crowd to surf, if you know what I mean.

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