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Dear Breakup Girl,

How do you dump guys who are "nice" but for whom you have no attraction, without actually saying the brutal truth that you have NO physical attraction to them and never did and that dating them so far hasn't improved this any?

I try to get out of things without hurting them, but they take everything as meaning there's hope that I'll change. I'm currently in the process of "rebound dating," which I am so not ready to do as I'm still hugely hung up on ex (but when you're constantly being hit up for dates, eventually you cave in). After all, what's my excuse to not date? I'm single now; you HAVE to. I know this'll disgust many people -- oh, poor baby, everyone wants you -- but I don't want them, and I just feel guilty. I can't even go to a party without someone deciding to follow me around the entire night. So, I date all these people whom I have no attraction to in the hopes that perhaps I'll acquire some -- because they're not jerks or anything, and it's not their fault they're not my ex.

But I feel crappy dating in general, and I don't want to kiss ANY of them. Grossed out at the idea, at that. I mean, I could say that I'm not ready to date, and it'd be true. But then they all take it as hope that I'll be ready to date in, say, a week. Heck, I told one of them it was never going to happen, and he STILL asks me out four times a week (sometimes twice in a day!). What gives? I think they just ignore what I say. My friends say I have to be brutal and tell them the truth. But the truth hurts, and I really, really, really don't wanna. In a way, it's just better to wuss out and keep dating them than acquire yet another enemy (which has happened every time I have managed to say "No" in the past). Any suggestions?

-- Meanie

Dear Meanie,

No, young lady, you don't HAVE to. I mean, yes, there comes a point where you have to put the hottie before the horse and will yourself to "get out there" before you quite feel like it (sorta the way that forcing your mouth into a smile actually sends "happy" signals to your brain).

You are not at that point.

So: be forthright, not brutal; you owe them a low-drama, polite, "explanation"-free no, nothing more. And do not date them in the first place, even -- especially -- as an act of diplomacy. Somehow, it seems that even the no-hearted "should" that gets you dressed and to the movies is encouraging these guys. Beyond that -- barring thrill-of-the-chase chestnuts that I hate to have to toss in -- I really don't know what part of NO, THANKS they don't understand (or what part they do take as an act of war). But I do know that this Rebound-o-rama That Isn't (your loins just aren't in it) is also doing nothing to help you de-hang up on your ex. The truth does hurt; the pertinent one here -- so sad/sorry to say -- is that your ex is gone, and these guys can't replace him. No one can, until you're ready for him to. So for the time being, let go of the HAVE to and let yourself mourn what you don't have. Take these suitors' advances not as imperatives, nor as winks at your inner spinster, but as signs that when you actually want your groove back, it'll be waiting.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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