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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm dating a great guy whom I really adore. We were "hang-out buddies" for about six months before something suddenly clicked and we became a couple. Sounds like we've done everything right, right? My problem is that while he's genuine and caring both alone and in front of other people, he seems to have a commitment-phobia that comes up whenever anyone else mentions it. He's the last of his "friends since High School" clique to not be married, and I think he's holding out for a medal. I'm not in a rush for matrimony, but the guy can't even say the word "girlfriend" in front of anyone. We're completely monogamous, have had the official couple discussion, and we spend much of our spare time together, both alone and with friends. I guess the thing is, he acts exactly how a boyfriend should act, except for the avoidance of actually admitting it out loud. Help!

--Stacy

Dear Stacy,

On the one hand, I'd say hey, as long as he acts like a boyfriend and treats you like the singular tasty morsel that you are, then what's a word "girlfriend" or two among more-than-friends? He sounds great; vocabulary isn't everything.

But on the other, of course "labels" matter; it's falsely noble to say that they don't. If they didn't, we wouldn't have trouble saying them in public.

<Pause to call superlinguist Breakup Dad -- powerful as MIT, able to get Noam Chomsky in a single call -- to get him to bust your boyfriend from on high.>

But no.

BG: So Dad, can't I just say "language determines thought?"

BD: Whoa, no, I'm not going to go there. That's the stuff of six undergrad and grad-level courses in the philosophy of language and the philosophy of thought, or at least a late-night dorm room argument. I'm afraid to get into the theoretical points of — 

BG: But Dad, come on, can't you just say that, like, words are, like, how we, like, file things?

BD: No, no. There's, for instance, musical thought that can't be explained that way; and emotions are not necessarily encodable, so you can't really make that point — 

BG: Okay, okay. Thanks, Dad. (Damn.)

But wait!

BD: ...Hang on, there's a distinction going on here between his behavior and his words. But his words are also part of his behavior. So you can say that there is a part of his "boyfriend" behavior that is missing. So: he does not in all respects act like a boyfriend.

Aha.

Go, Dad.

(Yes, he's enjoying retirement.)

So Stacy. I wouldn't say the vocab issue is a total dealbreaker, but I would say this guy needs to quack like a boyfriend, too.

To do: bring it up with him as a gentle inquiry, not an inquisition; tell him hearing those words would make you feel good. Maybe he hasn't even realized it's a thing for you in the first place. Or maybe he'll balk. Either way, you'll have more to go on than your thoughts about his language. And if you want us to analyze his grammar, we'll check with Chomsky.

Love,
Breakup Girl & Breakup Dad

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