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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have had a crush on this guy -- let's call him Mr. Possibility -- for the last nine months. Initially, I was being being "secretly" set up with him by my friends, but unfortunately, every attempt at throwing us together wound up sending him into another girl's arms. No worries. I figured that time would bring him over to me, and I continued pretending I knew nothing about my friends' matchmaking.

Well, imagine my chagrin when, around summertime, I discovered that he had been seeing someone rather regularly. In fact, this was a long-distance relationship, so therefore I reassured myself that it would never work out. Well, guess who got engaged two days ago?

I am totally crushed, yet I still feel repressed. I am now worried that one day I will blurt out my feelings and really screw everything up. To make matters worse, we are all "friends," including his fiancee, and I will most likely be invited to her shower and the wedding. I am trying to be happy for the couple, but it's really hard. It's like it was over before it began. I know the lesson here is that I should have made my move sooner, but at the same time, I always assumed that if I just waited, it would eventually be my turn (y'know, like the Heinz commercial).

I fear that because I've been harping over this guy for so long, that I'll really be in a slump. I don't want to be. I guess what I'm asking is ... am I kidding myself in saying that this feeling of "missing the boat" will go away with time? Should I take the high road of avoidance and not have contact with these people for a while? What's your best tip(s) for moving on after such a low?

--Invisible Girl

Dear Invisible Girl,

"Over before it began." Touche. What you have had, my dear, is a pre-relationship breakup. Which produces the same feelings of grief, loss, and rejection even without the concomitant rituals of uncomfortable phone calls, stuff exchange, and relapse. Good news: no bittersweet memories. Bad news: no bittersweet memories.

For now, I'd say you should maybe lay low until the wedding.You don't have to be happy, but if they're your friends, you probably have to be there. The shower, I'd give you slightly more evil advice about -- i.e. you could (as long as you promise you won't be hurtfully dissing your sister) be "busy." Because the distractions of a wedding -- drinks, dancing, cute cousins -- make it way easier to put on a game face (or even mean it) than do macaroni salad and enforced cooing. It's okay, I think, to compromise here (but you should send a gift if invited; we never forget our manners.)

So do the good sport minimum until -- yes -- the "missing the boat" feeling fades. Yes, it will. Beyond that, let me hasten to point out that the only lesson to be drawn from this episode is: "Aw, crap!" You missed no perfect window of time for some perfect move, truly. You didn't mess up. Laissez-faire counts as a strategy. (Wasn't he seeing the other gal all along anyway?)

In fact, what I hope you did learn and relish -- even though it didn't come out the right way -- is the aching delight of anticipation. Take some time to heal; trust that your next crush will be slow good.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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