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Dear Breakup Girl,

I should be wiser since I'm older, but I'm not and I'm really hurting over this. Here's my story: I am a 45 year old man (divorced 10 years) and I have been in a close, intimate relationship with a 50 year old woman for the last 7 years. Unfortunately, she is married and has been for for 22 years. (No children.) We became involved the usual way: working closely together in the same department, appreciating each other's humor and views of life. Then we started taking extended lunches because we enjoyed each other's company so much.

After nearly a year of "harmlessly"becoming very attracted to each other, she told that she was "re-evaluating" her marriage. From that announcement, we
became lovers and--I know this sounds cliche--soul mates. I was quite happy being the "other" man for several years while she sorted out her life/marriage. However, she still hasn't budged (her marriage remains exactly staus quo) and she has been pulling away for the past 18 months without confessing to "wanting out." She says that she still needs me in her life (her name for me is Love Of My Life) but she can't seem to find any time to share with me any more. Furthermore, she doesn't exchange love letters or forget-me-nots like she used to, and she all but ignores the ones I send to her. Worse, when I point out that I am feeling lonely/left out, and that our once passionately-over-the-top relationship is hopelessly one-sided, she says that I am over-reacting. This
makes me feel so confused that I end up second-guessing my own gut feelings: that I am indeed feeling snubbed. I wake up every morning wishing, wanting her to love me as completely as she used to.

This has been the most thrilling, passionate, warm relationship that I have ever been involved in, but I know that it is crumbling and I am devastated. I am not suicidal, but I am having a hard time coping--I am such a sad basket case that it makes the rest of my social relationships difficult to handle. I know that I need to leave this relationship, but after 7 years it is so hard to imagine. Sometimes I believe that the only comfort that will help is being in her arms--sick, huh?--but she isn't granting interviews these days, even though she still says she needs me in her life in some way--what does that mean?

So what I seek, Breakup Girl, is some advice to help me thru the extreme pain that I know I must face to get over this woman that I have loved so intensely.
How do I get my head straight? Thank you.

-- The Other Man Hurts

Dear The Other Man Hurts,

Oh, dear. Who knew that a word like "re-evaluating" could have such aphrodisiac qualities? But there you go, and here you are. You are right, Other Man, it is time. And I am so sorry. But better -- hollowly so -- that you should write this letter than the one you'd have written a few steps toward closure ago, the one where you ask if it's time, or how many more years you should wait for her to leave her marriage.

So now. How to get through the pain, stem the devastation? First, recognize that (similar to what I told Korky, above) that of course it'shard to imagine leaving. Seven years -- even including 18 lean months -- is a very long time. In fact, sometimes leaving is an act of faith and will that precedes imagining in the first place. Also, it's worth taking extreme measures not to bury your other social relationships in this avalanche; even if you won't be the life of the party for a while -- fine -- at least keep in touch with a lifeline or two.

But again -- though I know you can't see it now -- let me paint a little picture of what's on the other side, in the hope that at least trust and pluck will draw you there. Just believe me: there is a point outside this vicious circle (the circle where she's the only person who can comfort you in your loss of ... her). There's a place somewhere in the hard-to-reach realm of Moving On (which may involve a long lonely stay in a Cold place called Turkey) where you figure out that while she loved you as completely as she could, she did not love you as completely as one -- anyone -- could. So best of all: what's on the other side of all this pain is -- whether you're with another or not -- no longer being The Other.

Love,
Breakup Girl

(PS Wait, aren't you going to see her at work? I don't get that part. )

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