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Dear Breakup Girl,

This might be a rather English problem, but as a superheroine with powers over all continents, I will put my faith in you. I have been seeing a boy now for a couple of months. He lives in London, and I live in Manchester, so we see each other about every fortnight. He has been a really good friend for years, so I was delighted when I realized that he wanted more than friendship. However, there seems to be a bit of a problem with the physical side of our relationship.

He has had a very sheltered upbringing: his mother died when he was very young, and he was packed off to an all boys boarding school for the whole of his education until university, which is where we met. Although he gets on well with other lads, he seems out of depth in female company and either treats them as one of the lads or puts them on an unrealistic pedestal. At university, he was renounced for asking out girls who were way out of his league and then getting constant rejection. I hoped that with me this pattern would change, but he still just seems to treat me as a friend. When we are in bed together, he just seems to freeze. (Kissing is fine, but further than that, the breaks are put on.) I always thought that if a boy did not want to sleep with you, then he was probably dead, and it's certainly not a situation I have come across before. I know that he does not approve of sex before marriage (which is fine by me, although I have had physical relationships with previous boyfriends).

I really want this relationship to work out, as we get along so well on other levels. I have tried to broach the subject, but he just goes very red and quiet or laughs it off, and I feel like I am prying. I know from experience that English boys are reserved. Do you have any advise on how to unreserve them?

--English Rose

Dear English Rose,

For what it's worth, I love your notion about un-reserving. Reminds me, ever so tangentially, of this anecdote told by my friend S.:

"My face is an open book. The other night, I went out to dinner with this woman. And I wasn't sure where things were going with her. Didn't know if I wanted to be there. So we walk into the restaurant and the maitre d' says, 'Sir. You have reservations?'"

Okay, hilarious, but not all that relevant. Forgive me. Anyway, I think you may be onto something when you guess at the provenance of this guy's reservations. (Especially because yes, there are many factors other than death that might make a guy hesitate.) He might have graduated high school with the notion that girls are another species; he might have confirmed in college that he is thus unable to mate with them. So now, he may not know what to make of a girl who wants to do more than make out (and he also may be intimidated that you're more experienced -- which is not your fault and nothing Wrong).

I know you've tried to talk about this -- and I know it's hard for even the most verbose -- but you may have to try again. Maybe not in a prying/why-ing way, but in a positive/flirtatious "tell me what you like" manner. Or maybe not in bed. Or maybe in bed, but in, like, mime.

I know that ultimately, you may need more to be really fulfilled, but also don't underestimate the delight -- and "gateway" status -- of Just Kissing. I mean, most experts recommend that to couples wondering how to get the spark back. So jump into that with no reservations, and it could be the point of no return.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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