< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

For the love of God, it has come to this! No offense, but the thought that I would write to an advice column for help with a relationship problem goes beyond anything I thought I would ever do. That and vote Libertarian, but that's a different story.

Please help me; I am at my wit's end about what is true and what is the wisest course of action. I don't trust myself to be objective. I just turned the big 3-0, which means nothing to me except my insurance rates change, but I tell you this to let you know I am a little too long in the proverbial tooth to still be this naive.

I dated a girl three years ago who had just gotten a divorce. She has two children from that marriage. We had no problems, and I liked the children very much. About six months into the relationship, an old boyfriend from high school looked her up, and she felt sparks fly. She wanted to date him. It hurt, but I realized that maybe I was the rebound guy and that the whole thing had just been a beautiful dream. I went on my way.

Two months later she calls me, and he is already history. She has begun to see someone from church but wants me as a friend in her life. I struggled with this. She tells me that we are an all or nothing couple. That when we are together, it can only progress to marriage, and it is safer to be friends right now. I try this, but we become physical two months down the road, and I tell her that I don't want to be just friends after all we have gone through. I go away and try to fall out of love with her.

Now fast forward a year and a half. I have had two relationships that I enjoyed, but in my heart, I always missed that girl. I didn't even think we would ever talk again; I held no hope, but I still missed her more than I wanted to admit to anybody, even myself. I got a phone call in September from her. She apologized for hurting me and said her son, whom I thought was a one-in-a-million kid, was asking about me, and she wanted me to talk to him because he was having trouble in school. How could I turn her down? I missed her, and her son needed help; I felt that was a bigger issue than "us."

Over the past few months, we began to talk daily and see each other in a friendly way. Of course she has a boyfriend. We finally had the talk, and I told her, stupidly I guess, how I still felt. She told me that sometimes she felt like she wanted to be with me and sometimes she didn't. She says that she and her current boyfriend do not say they love each other so there is no pressure. With us, she says, feelings are all brought to the surface. We would progress rapidly to marriage, she is sure of it, and she wants to be sure of her feelings. When she is ready for that, she will let me know. I shouldn't wait for her and should date other people, but she wants to be close friends until then. Then five minutes later she says, "What if we stay just friends?" and I said, "I don't think we can if you never give us a chance, and I don't think we can if you marry someone else." She says she was just wondering.

What do all of these mixed signals mean? Why is she being so damn flighty with me? How come -- if she doesn't love or care for me -- she keeps coming back? I can't figure out her complex female wiring, so please BG, do your objective breakdown of my problem. I have not talked to her in six days, which is the longest period since September. I didn't talk to her over Christmas, and I didn't take her two calls Monday at work, and she didn't call Tuesday, I guess getting the hint. I wanted to get a little distance from her to think objectively, but it's not working.

Part of me thinks that if I just play it cool, be her friend, and let her personal life take care of itself, then it will happen naturally. But I think I have been very patient with her, and if I am the guy for her, she would know by now. As you can see, I am all over the map. I spent New Year's with a girl I do not care about, while she was off with another, which I see as a telling example of where her heart is. But she says I didn't ask her to do something before she made plans. As you can see, she has an answer for everything. My question, what is the most mature way to handle this? I feel very foolish, but I never loved anyone like this in my life, so I am obviously not thinking straight. What a way to start a new century, huh?

--Village Idiot

Dear Village Idiot,

Actually, I think that asking "What is the most mature way to handle this?" is an excellent way to start a new century.

I just wish she were asking it, too. VI, she's not allowed to call you two "all or nothing" and then ask you for something in between. Especially not something like daddying her kid while she keeps you at friend's length. To be fair, she may well be legitmately confused, twice-shy, conflicted, all that stuff; how often every century are anyone's feelings all of a piece?

Still, if you ask me, I think she's being "so damn flighty" because she can be. You have been "patient" out of love, I know. But sometimes love demands impatience. And maybe a little less democratic principle. As in: an ultimatum. (BG-style: the kind you have to come through on.)

If she/things do not go your way by any decisive margin, then, well, I truly do feel your pain. But you'll have to heal by putting more distance between you than a phone call stalemate. And you'll have to -- wrenching though the process may be -- revise your platform on what it means to really be over someone. As I've said before: does it mean you never think of them? Or that it doesn't sting when you do? Does it mean the one that got away ever really does? No. But that small piece of them stuck on your back, in that place you can't reach? It's on your back, not in your way. So -- once you declare Election Day -- maybe it'll be this gal, maybe it won't. But I believe that there's a candidate out there who'll stand firm with you as a matter of both passion and principle. I'd vote for her.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >