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Dear Breakup Girl,

Besides my confusion on the subject of your residence (are you a New Yorker or a Los Angelena?), I also continue to be amazed at the cluelessness of both me and many other otherwise intelligent women on the following subject: is this a relationship or isn't it? I am no kid; I am pushing my own half-century of progress, and yet somehow I still manage to think that I am in a Relationship, when in fact, my male counterpart Does Not. This occurs with frightening (at at least woeful) frequency among my contemporaries (that would be anyone from 25 to 55). What gives, BG? I have only skimmed "Mars...Venus" and don't really want to have to read the whole dang thing to find out the answer (though I don't think I'd find it there, anyway, based on my albeit overview of its -- to me -- shocking generalizations). Can you help, oh spicy sage one?

--Geographically Confused

Dear Geographically Confused,

Oh, definitely New York. Unlike John Gray, I can't live without irony.

Nor can my spicy sage buddy Jenny Lyn Bader, co-author of He Meant, She Meant: The Definitive Male-Female Dictionary, who says:

"The definition of relationship:

SHE: When he knows your bra size.
HE: A state she will assume you are in after two sexual encounters. Play along.

Then there are the definitions of commitment:

SHE: When you know his shirt size.
HE: A way to say "we might get married" without actually saying it.

Then, of course, there is dating.

SHE: The process of receiving constant serenades, love notes, and brief poems on the nature of passion.
HE: What she calls your 'relationship' if you're not 'committed.'"

Witty as these are, when it comes to actual advice, Generalizations are from Gray. So I'll head instead to: what to do when they ring true. Without saying, "My bra size is 34C ! Gotcha!" be clear and uncompromising about your intentions to begin with. The dating (you know, serenades) part is fun, but don't let it drag on with a guy who'll let you do so. Without completely unraveling the element of mystery, at some point sooner rather than later you may gently ask whether -- rather than hope that -- you're on the same page.

Of JennyLyn's book, even. She tells me that a couple she knows was having a screaming fight about whether their relationship was one; they broke out the book and looked up the above words. After each got where the other was coming from (perceptions, not planets), the tension dissolved -- and they found themselves looking up words such as "love," "kiss," and "marriage." So do be willing to explain and explore before a preemptive split. And watch, now someone from LA will call to option this couple's story.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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