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Dear Breakup Girl,

Nature Boy and I met several months ago on ICQ because he was searching for people in my area who liked the outdoors so he could ask what kinds of outdoorsy activities can be found here. At that time, he wanted to move here from a town about three hours away, and, as one thing led to another and we became friends and then more-than-friends and then (officially -- at his request) boyfriend-and-girlfriend, I thought living in the same town would give him ample reason not to regret his decision to move here, even though there's not as many outdoorsy things to do here as he'd like.

But now that he's lived here for a few months, he's getting restless. Before the move, we talked hypothetically about how cool it would be if we moved away together to someplace where we could do all those outdoorsy things we like to do ... maybe next year. (Yeah, we were rushing things, but so what? We were in love! Or at least in like...) Now he's talking about moving to a mountainous resort town, one that completely doesn't fit my bill of a place to which I'd want to move (no one I know lives there, no jobs, very high cost of living). He can move there without a problem, since his job will allow him to telecommute. I have one of those jobs that one only finds in large cities on either coast. If I moved to Resort Town, I could be maybe a waitress or a maid. (Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I have bills to pay.)

I should mention, I suppose, that I find it unfair that NB has changed his plans on me. A few months ago, we were talking about moving to one place, and now he's determined that the golden ring lies elsewhere. I guess it shouldn't be a matter of keeping promises, but it's something that sticks in my craw. In short: I feel duped. I might have thought twice about entering a relationship with him if I knew that it was doomed to end in a few months.

It seems pretty clear that the rational thing to do is say goodbye to NB and get on with things. But the thing that complicates matters is this: I really like the guy! Our relationship isn't perfect, and we're not completely compatible, but I feel like he's not giving us a chance if he decides to jump ship after only five months of dating. And then, it's not our lack of compatibility that's driving him off, but a mountain and a dream. How can a girl compete? NB has hinted that he'd like me to come with him, though, which makes me feel not-quite-so abandoned. Up until now, I've emphatically told him that I can't even consider it, for the reasons listed above (lack of jobs being the main one). I'm also afraid I wouldn't have much in common with the other people in the town, which doesn't bode well for making friends. I would like to go back to school eventually, and that seems the logical thing to do in a town with no employment prospects, but there are no colleges or universities nearby. In short, the only reason I'd be moving there is NB. And it's always seemed to me that only women with a lack of pride are willing to follow their boyfriends to new towns for no other reason than their boyfriends are moving there.

In fact, after watching two friends of mine completely fall apart after the relationships for which they moved to another state failed (no friends in their new towns, living with their boyfriends, but a complete logistical nightmare for them to move home), I'm not sure I want to open myself up to failure of that magnitude.

But having already broken up with a boyfriend of two years because I refused to follow him to another city, and having regretted it (less and less, admittedly) ever since, I also feel as though letting go of this relationship for the sake of a few thousand miles might be a horrible mistake. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, right? (Or is that saying applicable here?)

Besides a matter of self-pride, though, I feel that if I give up my (fairly nice) job and leave behind my friends and family, I'll be doing three things: I'll be (1) implicitly obligating NB to form some kind of commitment by virtue of my own major act of commitment, (2) asking NB to be responsible for me and my happiness while in Resort Town (again implicitly) since he's the reason for me being there, and (3) discarding the almost-successful, fairly busy person NB (presumably) fell in like with for an unemployed (or underemployed), friendless homebody. What a way to ruin a relationship.

But, did I mention? I really really like this guy, Breakup Girl! He's funny, cute, smart, and perfect in a whole bunch of ways. I'm not saying he's THE one, but, well, to be honest, it actually makes me feel sick to think of him leaving. Physically sick. Nauseous. Breakup girl, I need to know: How pathetic will I look to NB if I leave behind everything to be with him? Is respect more important self-respect? More important than a life without ulcers?

--Lizzy

Dear Lizzy,

First of all, did everyone get that? See how Activity Partners can turn into potential Life Partners? The next time you're home alone lamenting your home alone status, stay home and find some activity partners on the Internet so you can get out more often. (Me, I'm gonna seek out some fellow Laborious Sentence-Writers.)

Okay, Lizzy, now don't think I didn't finish reading your letter. I know that everything's not perfect with the Great Outdoorsman. So let's see.

First, is this Resort Town the only place he could bear? Are there no coastal cities that offer, at least nearby, both mountains and employment ladders to climb?

Because about your moving to Mountains, to tell you the truth, my biggest worry of all is the job/opportunity thing, to tell you the truth. "Loved and lost" is one thing. "Loved and moved and lost job and lost" is yet another.

Still, I'm quite heartened by the fact that you are raising all the smart right concerns, asking all the smart right questions. Better than writing, "Dear Breakup Girl, I'm following a Mountain Man to a remote location where I have no future and I haven't really thought about it so I don't even have any questions but you can't stop me!"

That girl is not you -- and while I'm at it, many girls who move to be with guys are not that girl, either. I would caution you not to dis your sistahs in that regard. I mean, I understand the socio-history here, but how come it's cool when a guy does it, but a girl, like, can't? Heck, that puts her under more constraints -- doesn't that defeat the purpose of all those rallies and suffrage and stuff? I mean, maybe some of the women who do that are, depending on where they are in life, brave enough to follow a mountain and a dream, get creative, and reinvent themselves from nothing in a new and strange land. To take on head on the very fears that you raise in your third-to-last paragraph. And maybe they've got pride enough to not care what others might think when they do.

I'm going on about this because my answer to you lies in your second-to-last question. Is respect more important than self-respect? I'd say start with the latter; the former will follow. If, and only if, you can see your way to seeing yourself in my second-to-last paragraph -- regardless of what others think, and regardless of whether or not the forever thing works out with Nature Boy -- then, and only then, may you consider following him to his next Resort. Which, if you manage to see things that way, would not be your last.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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