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Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of four and a half years recently ended our relationship. I took her and our relationship for granted and emotionally neglected her for the last six months. When she broke up with me, she asked if it was mutual, and I agreed that the relationship wasn't working for me, either.

It has been roughly two months since our breakup. I have told her that I want to try again, but she has told me that I will never get another chance and that she can't trust me with her heart anymore. I have tried to tell her that her love is the most important thing in the world to me and that I am making changes to my life. I am glad we broke up; I needed to learn some things about relationships and about love. I told her that I wish these lessons hadn't cost me the person I cherish more than anything else on earth. She said, "Me, too." I know that she tried very hard to make it work, and I know that she was in a lot of pain, but I wasn't ready to make it work. I didn't know how.

Now, I just can't imagine my life without her. I love her more than anything and am now ready to spend the rest of my life with her. This is what she has always wanted, and her pushing me towards this helped cause our breakup and my neglect. She says that she has nothing left to give, but she still calls me; she still has my furniture. She isn't breaking off all contact. For example, I told her that as long as I thought we still loved each other, I wasn't going to give up hope. She replied, "I'm sorry; I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not in love with you right now." Maybe I am reading into it too much, but why would she say "right now?" To torture me?

In any case, I am torn between chasing her to the ends of the earth and fighting for her love and always reminding her I am ready to commit to her -- and letting her go. Yet the only thought that gives me peace is the thought that we can be together. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. I am trying really hard to respect her feelings, but I don't think what happened should be enough to end our love forever. Please believe me when I say that I am truly heartbroken, my spirit is destroyed, and I really honestly love this person. I know that if I had ten minutes a day to do over with her, I could shower her with my love. Please help me, Breakup Girl, for the sake of love and lovers everywhere. Help me keep love alive. I don't know if this makes me unique as a guy, but I believe that love is the most important, beautiful, powerful, magical thing on earth. I know that I might be learning lessons for someone else down the road, but I love this girl, and I don't believe I can ever love another. Please help; you are my last hope.

--Tom

Oh, Tom,

Love is alive. It is. I assure you and lovers everywhere.

It just doesn't always feel so good.

If you think about it, if love were dead, you'd feel fine.

So what to do with this love? First of all, know that I hear how desperate and and sincere and sapped you are. I am so, so sorry. And if this makes you feel any better about feeling so bad, after only two months (vs. more than four years), you are still, of course, in the throes. All those messy crazy wild dramatic emotions -- "I don't believe I can ever love another!" -- are, in fact, right on schedule. You are going through a massive [potential] breakup; this is how that feels.

Which is different from how to relate to her for the meantime. My sense is that it would be wise to clench your fists and bite your tongue and let that beast called Time slime its slothful self by, without your chasing and fighting and showering ... yet. And while you wait, explore a bit that enigma called Space. Give yourselves both some thereof, which may include your asking her not to call, even asking her to return the table she keeps her phone on.

Why? Because Tom, you can't turn around and look back until your head-spinning slows. You can't make a good clear solid plausible case for Why Things Will Be Different This Time -- which is what you will need to do -- while you still feel 100% bad mixed-up broken disbelieving. So wait. Each minute will feel like the 10-a-day you'd like for your do-over, but do your bestest.

And by the way, other people who've written to me would die to feel the intensity of love -- even love lost -- in the first place. This one wasn't a lost or last chance, Tom; and it was more than practice. Love: alive? This is proof.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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