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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a big, big, big mess. At one time, I was attending college in Washington. (I am a foreign student.) I found myself totally unable to finance my education and living expenses. So, I was getting ready to move back home, when I met this older guy online. He offered me financial help, promised to help me pay for my education, and said that I could live with him for free, if I was willing to live with him as roommates. I went to visit him first. We ended up in bed. About two months later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I could not say no. Not because I liked him, but because:

1. I was single.

2. He was helping me.

3. He was crying because he thought I was rejecting him, and I felt bad.

4. Why not?

Anyhow, we began dating. I moved in with him shortly thereafter. I did not have to work; he provided everything. One day, I found him cheating on me in cyberspace. I felt very hurt. Don't ask me why, I just did. At the time, I had decided to fall in love with him because he was way too nice and would take care of me. But after that, I just did not want to be with him. (Not like I ever did, but you know. The luxury and comfort were nice.) So, one day, I broke up with him and left him for a younger, poor guy. I did like this younger guy, but it did not work out. The older guy took me back. I kinda refused at the beginning, but I went back to my country, and it was hard to make a living there.

At the time, I had this friend of mine whom I had known for a few months before I broke up with the older guy the first time. We became good friends -- just friends, nothing else -- when the older guy phoned and offered me help, again, to get me back to school in the US, anywhere I wanted. He said he would do that because he loved me. So... I did not say yes right then; I waited and thought about it. In the meantime, about eight months had passed since I had gone back home. I did visit him sometimes; he gave me money and things, and then I would go back home. He would always talk in terms of "us," "we," etc. I kept in touch with the friend I mentioned and began to fall for this friend of mine. I began traveling to his city and seeing him and kept seeing the older guy, for financial reasons. I wanted to be close to the guy I loved, so I said yes to the older guy's offer and let him pay the arrangements to get me into school in the city of the guy I loved.

Now, he pays my housing, my expenses, my tuition, everything. My friend, the one I fell for, has asked me to be with him. Now I have to tell them both the truth. I have already began to tell the man I love what happened and why, but I have no idea how to tell the older man. He is under the impression I love him which I do, but not like a couple. He is a good friend and a nice guy, but I am not in love with him. I have found the love of my life and dont want to screw it up. I know I have done wrong, am very sorry, and I know this older guy will be very hurt. I have done it to him twice. I cannot find the way to let him know what is going on, that we can't see each other anymore.

--Medi in SF

Dear Medi,

"Taking a second job" is something you do for financial reasons.

"Seeing the older guy" is not.

That said, I'm sure we all know how hard it can be to say no to free money -- and not just some bonus "extra" slush fund, but rather: your Education. A Roof. Seems to me there's at least a faint line between golddigging and ... fooddigging.

But still. Not that it's easy, but people have found other ways to survive.

At least we're actually beyond that here, I think. I mean, I'm relieved to hear that you're asking not if you should stay with the one you truly love, but rather how. How, that is, to leave someone who's given you so much more than baubles and trinkets?

Funny thing is, Medi, I hear the same worry from people about to dump poor people. People ask, "How could I leave, after all s/he's done for me?" In sentences like that "all s/he's done" could mean "stood by me in crisis" or "loved me unconditionally" or "sat through 'Deuce Bigalow.'" Financial value next to 0; "for me" value vast. While your relationship does seem more like a business contract, the bottom-line feelings are on the same continuum. In that broad sense, you are no more beholden then any sorrowful dumper.

I'd said above that love is a gamble; you might also call it a high-risk investment. Your sugar-banker did what he did of his own expensive will; though I wouldn't have recommended your joining that partnership in the first place, you didn't sign anything when you did. You will hurt him, Medi; you are leaving. But you are free to go ... as gently as you would from any relationship. Please do not tell yourself you "owe" him some sort of reunion (and to put it a bit more urgently, please keep a safe distance after you do the deed. BG might not think you "owe" him, but he might).

So it might be nice if someday, when you're fabulously wealthy from having used your education to do great good, you send him an anonymous wire from your account in the Caymans. But at least for now, Medi, pull off something great and dreamy and difference-making with the schooling and opportunities you've gotten; be with someone whom you love and who loves you with everything he's got ... in his heart. You owe yourself that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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