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Dear Breakup Girl,

I love my boyfriend, and we have made our relationship work for nearly six months now. We were extremely close friends prior to going out. His friends are mine, and as much as possible, my friends are his. However, we have an issue named Sara. She had worked with my boyfriend when he and I were still just friends. I did not think much of her, and even suggested at one point that he date her because she seemed nice. We would hang out, the three of us, and I began to think of her as kind of a nitwit. She annoyed me, frankly. She then lost her job (due to her nitwitness -- I am not alone in my feelings), and he and she continued to hang out. ALONE! And by this point, he and I were dating. It got on my nerves tremendously. I did very little about it, making faces when he mentioned seeing her, but not telling him not to go. I trust him and still do.

Well, now I have had a change of heart, and I figure that, well, if he likes her so much and I see many of his other friends with him on a regular basis, then why don't I see her as well. I care enough about him to want to be a cool girlfriend, not a bitch.

He hates my attitude. He is convinced that if I see her, I will be a complete shrew and make it awkward for them. I disagree. I have told him why I want to hang out with them, but he doesn't get it. He is sure that I don't trust him and that I think he is sleeping with her. Quite the contrary, as I have explained above. Last night was the culmination of this fight. We argued, and he still didn't get it. He said, "Sure" to our hanging out all together but does not understand why I want to. He is stuck on the trust thing. He yelled to me (before he left), "Call me when you decide to be that nice sweet wonderful Dina I know." And I haven't heard from him since. Should I call or wait for him to regain his senses and realize how absurdly he acted? Please advise. I am flabbergasted at this turn of events.

--Dina

Dear Dina,

There are lots of points on the "trust" spectrum. Somewhere kind of far away from "blind" is the kind that looks both ways. If he's asking you to trust that there's nothing simmering between him and Issue, then he also has to trust that your Cool Girlfriend intentions are benign and sincere. That you're not just trying to be Cool Chaperone (right?). He really is being a bit touchy (assuming he really does have nothing to hide). It's not unCool to call him on that. Cooler than he, maybe even.

That said, Dina, well, making faces might not have been the height of diplomacy, but I also don't think that means that all free trade agreements are to be actively encouraged. As far as these kinds of summits are concerned, cool girlfriends -- where appropriate -- bear and forbear, not broker. You really don't have to prove anything; unless their hanging together alone really seems to cross a line, it's coolest of all to stay out and above. I'd say you guys should try just forcibly dropping this one for a while. So sometimes you hang with them, sometimes you don't. When you're with her, you're neither shrew (well, I knew that) nor sistah. You've got other non-boyfriend friends to hang with anyway, right? See what happens. This thing's just become way too big for what it is... I think/hope. If something similar surfaces elsewhere, this Issue may not be isolated. But let's hope you two can trust each other to let Issue become a Non-, anon.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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