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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been told many times that I am a really nice, attractive, intelligent (sometimes maybe a little intimidating with my career, but I try to be humble about everything), and kindhearted young woman. I am the kind whose male/female friends' parents like instantly. My friends also like me, and I am not socially shy. I am also Asian, well versed in several languages, and worldly, not submissive, so initially I am considered exotic by men from all over the world, especially European and American men. I am not lousy in bed. The majority of my colleagues are male, and when I am at a conference or at work, I feel that I am perceived as young, attractive, and pleasant.

I have almost everything I want in my life, except for a long-term relationship. You see, all the guys I have gone out with were totally elaborate in asking me out but just didn't act as if they cared once we settled into the comfort zone. After the breakup, I usually never heard a word from them ever since. It hurts, and I have tried calling, not calling, asking to get back together, or just leaving them all the space they wanted. The final results were always the same: never heard from them again.

Another weird situation is that after the breakup, 99% of these guys have not been married or in a committed relationship. When they were with me, I swear they were pretty serious about the prospects of the relationship.

I am already approaching 30, and the clock is ticking. What went wrong? Should I not pursue exotic, wealthy men (whom I deserve), as my Asian friends told me, but rather settle with someone more from my cultural background?

--Sara

Dear Sara,

What you deserve, Sara, is what you want: a long term relationship. I'm not saying there aren't "exotic, wealthy" men who can give you just that, and a darn good one, too. But if you willlfully limit your criteria that way, then, in a funny karmic sense, they'll limit their commitment that way. If that's all you ask that they be, then that's all they'll be. So -- while I'm sure you have all the lovely qualities you describe -- I'm wondering if you choose guys (or accept those who choose you) based on just about anything but oh, compatibility. LIKElike. Human chemistry. Specific ways (maybe cultural, maybe not) in which you click. And I'm wondering if when the relationship ends, it's not because anyone played anything the wrong way, but rather because the relationship simply played itself out. Young, attractive, pleasant, exotic, wealthy -- on their own, they'll get you a date, but they won't necessarily carry the day. Or you over the threshhold.

How about a fresh start? Maybe meet guys through play -- a sea kayaking class? a concert series? -- not work? If looks and rubles must be part of the picture, fine. But maybe it's time to take yourself out of the comfort zone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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