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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

For two years, I had a delicious and wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams. Everything was good, then bad, then good, etc. In the beginning, when things went awry, he would break off the relationship stating, "Goodbye forever," or something equally as dramatic. Alas, he would always come back (much to my relief). Recently, things had been going wonderfully; we worked through our arguments and differences, and he began seeing what love is really all about. His family loved me tremendously and were glad to know me and I them.

This is when Boy began talking marriage ... the big M. I didn't know quite what to think of it, but as he was only talking and thinking aloud, I wasn't pressured to do anymore than that. He even bought me a rose tree instead of flowers, he said, because the trunk wound around itself and would grow and grow, "just like us." I figured something surprising would take place either on my birthday (this December 4th) or on New Year's Eve, where we would join his family to celebrate in his hometown of Las Vegas, Nevada. (I couldn't believe people really came from there! Also of note: his uncle is an Elvis impersonator! Cute!) I thought and thought, and suddenly this marriage thing sounded okay, as I loved this man with all my heart and could clearly see us old and lumpy, walking down the street, feeding the birds. "I'll never love someone as much as you, MaryAnne. I never thought I'd be the type to say it, but I'll love you for my whole wide life."

That's when it happened. About a week after he semi-proposed, he rang me up at home. (We live two hours apart and can't see each other as often as we like, typically just weekends.) To be honest (though I hate to know how this is gonna make me sound), I was being CLINGY for a week or two, wanting him to call every day, missing him, being maybe a bit whiny about missing him, etc. During this phone call, we got in a bit of a tiff about the fact that he hadn't phoned the day before. I had made a fuss, making sure the phone was free and basically waiting for it to ring. He, on the other hand, went to a bar with friends and "oops, forgot" to call. The amazing difference in our responses to calling made me uneasy. He said, "Well, do you want to break up?" This was his old line every time we got into an argument. He still said it from time to time as an inside joke. I laughed and said, "No, hon." He laughed too. The conversation went on. Finally, he said something that blew the lid off my whole everything! "MaryAnne, I don't want a girlfriend anymore." I gasped, too stunned to speak! He went on: "I love you, though I don't think as much as you love me, and if I wanted a girlfriend, I would pick you, but I just don't. So we need some time apart." But what about my birthday in December? and New Year's? His father had already bought my ticket!? And the holidays? We had plans for everything! This was so "out of the blue!"

"Forget all of our plans for the future, MaryAnne." My heart, I swear, fell three thousand feet into the center of the Earth. Moments later, he hung up the telephone, as I refused to say goodbye. I went crazy that night, drove down to a park by my home, cried like a baby, screamed, and begged God to kill me. I was confused, scared and angry.

That was a little over two weeks ago. Since then, I have taken every piece of advice into account, but no one can figure it all out, not even my shrink whom I've been seeing for years. Boy has not contacted me in any way. I've been too afraid to contact him, thinking my showing up in any way is going to be "annoying" somehow and make him finalize the "time apart" thing into a "forget it forever" thing. I've been trying to heal, living my life as I would normally, going to work, seeing friends, but it is all so hollow. I feel like I am treading water. My mother's perfect analogy is: "You are driving down a beautiful street with him at the wheel. Suddenly he stops the car, says he'll be back, and leaves you there, waiting. After a while, do you get out and walk? Or wait and wonder where the hell he went and why?" Either way, BG, I don't know what I want anymore.

To be honest, I miss him, still love him madly, and wish he would at least call so I know what is going on. And how long is this time apart thing? And why? What is he doing, gardening (and worst yet -- with WHOM)? Some people think this "time apart" line is pure BS. Some say it isn't and that I should wait. I am torn. I keep thinking of him screwing everyone he can find, but that kills me so I try not to.

I have a plan. On my birthday, he has open ability to contact me. Even though all this happened, it would still be decent to phone me or something; I mean, it's my day! If he doesn't (which I fear may happen), I am going to call him a week or so after my birthday (so as not to ruin it) and calmly hold a conversation (how's things, etc.), and somehow get into what EXACTLY IS HAPPENING? Is it over? Is it on hiatus? Is it just scared of marriage? If so, I don't care; I just want him in my life. Asking will at least give me closure.

In the past when he has left, I went on with life. And as soon as I was over him, he somehow psychically KNEW and showed up. Thing is, BG, I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to wait the four weeks or three months or whatever until he comes back. I'm sick of that game; it's way too painful, especially if he ignores my birthday and New Year's and all else and then decides he's "ready." But I am scared. At this point, I know I can live without him, but I don't want to. It'll be like eating cereal with a fork. What do you think, BG? What, who, when, where, and why was I blindsided? And what do I do about the big to-do?

--MaryAnne, High Priestess of Singing "I will Survive" in the Shower

Dear Your Highness,

Yeeowch! Yes: hollowed, dampened, blindsided, devastated. I am so sorry.

What who when where why? Well. Granted, it's not necessarily so that where we're from is -- or remains -- who we are.(Apart from his lasting predilection for hominy grits and pecan pie, you'd never know that Breakup Dad was raised in Atlanta.) But, perhaps fittingly, your Vegas showboy is, well, not about nuance. (Though the rose thing wasn't bad. Nor was "whole wide life.") "GOODBYE FOREVER!" is not what you say when "things go awry," it's what you say when you vanish from the stage in a cloud of smoke, sequins, and marabou. You'll also notice that (at least figuratively) it got said more than once. Not so reliable.

So, if you think about it, no wonder he has left the building. If he was so quick to say "goodbye forever" before, just think how fast it'd roll off his tongue when he's tried saying "hello ... forever!" to the big M.

Don't worry: I'm not saying You Should Have Known he would bail. His getting as far as talking marriage in the first place could just as well have indicated that he actually was ready to deal. Do not blame yourself for having taken a risk and spun again.

About the holidays? Well, he may very well jingle just in time. That is, if it dawns on him that right now, even the big M feels less scary than the big AH (Alone on the Holidays). But you don't have to wait; you are more than entitled to a followup "Whuh?" call -- you didn't even get a "goodbye for now." But no matter who drops the dime, start thinking about what you want. When will you fold? Could you deal with staying with him without going to a wedding chapel? If you give him an ultimatum, can you stick to it? Were he to return, will you fear "goodbye forever" forever? Will you wonder if New Year's is a big dog-and-white-tiger show? In short: you say you can live without him; can you live with having him back?

No matter what happens, MaryAnne -- even if you have to take a second job as a Happy Person Impersonator for a while -- I will gently remind you that love is a gamble. Not in a sleazy hollow cynical way; I mean that it is a massive choice, it is a huge risk, and yet there you are. When you find The One, you are beating the odds. That is the value, that is the thrill. And that, if you persevere, is what you'll find. I'd be willing to bet the farm.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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