< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently got blindsided by a friend over a man! There's this guy (let's call him D) whom I've been out with four or five times. Well, there was a group of us girls going to a party a couple of Fridays ago, so I invited him to join us. All night long, my very best friend for the past three years (let's call her M) openly threw herself at him! Yes, M was drunk, and yes, she knows I've been out with him four or five times. She was my confidante. She knew my feelings toward him. (I wasn't CRAZY about him, but nobody is going to knock my socks off right now, because I recently ended a three year relationship.) Anyway, part of the time she was openly throwing herself at him, he was fondling MY LEG under the table! Well, long story short, I left at about 2:45 am (not early!) and left them together. I recently found out she spent the night with him! NOT ONLY THAT, but she went on a SECRET date with him last week (NOT alcohol induced)!

Now, she hasn't called me ONCE in all this time because she feels rotten -- like she's betrayed me. (She has.) Finally, she called last night to fess up. Her guilt was eating her alive because we WERE great friends. I AM LIVID! Not because I have a thing for D, but because my friend M so easily traded me in for a stupid man who really means nothing to either of us.

Here's the catch: the other girls in our circle of girlfriends just want M and me to bury this and move on, so we can all get back to our happy selves and happy lives. Well, I am hurt, betrayed, and can't trust M's friendship again. Men come and go (until Mr. Right comes along), but friends are special and constant and should be, well, friends. So, who gets left out of our girlfriend activities? I DO! I can't expect our other friends to "take sides," but I also can't look at my friend M for a very, very long time. I can't dismiss it so freely.

Now what? I don't deserve to be the one ostracized. I did nothing wrong. What to do? What to do?

--Jan

Dear Jan,

You are livid "not because [you] have a thing for D, but because M so easily traded [you] in for a man who really means nothing to either of [you.]" Bingo.

It would have been one thing if M had had serious, unbearably strong feelings for D, and had approached you as a friend -- sober -- to say, "Hey, I know you and D have gone out only a few times, and I know you're not head over heels for him, especially what with your recent breakup and all [throughout which I have been a superb and constant friend], so, I was wondering: Weeeeeeell, it seems that D and I were, like, soulmates in a past life. I cannot live a lie; I love him still. I know I can't stop you from seeing him, nor can I go behind your back in any way. Which is why I come to you and respectfully and humbly request that you consider, some day, somehow, releasing him to my custody. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

But no.

Still, Jan, I don't want to see an evil friend-sucking ripple effect take place here. It's not worth it for YOU to lose the whole circle over one sore point. It's not worth it for us to sit here and try and analyze her clear friendship deathwish. It's not even worth it for you to bear and nurse and raise a grudge. So no, don't bury the incident completely; just drop your trust for her into a shallow trench in a Potter's Field. Doesn't mean -- after you get over your initial can't-look-at-her -- that you can't kinda hang with the gang as a whole ... or see some galpals one-on-one in the meantime (which I especially recommend, as you're going to have to cultivate another confidante). Because I also don't think you're being actively, deliberately ostracized by the group; I just think maybe M threw herself at them first, and they, like D, are just kinda going with it.

But I also have to say -- while I don't mean to get too go-girl-gang on you -- that I'm a little struck by your posse's impatience. Don't they get it? Don't they know a veritable deal-breaker when they see one? Aren't they supposed to resist M's advances? They don't have to take your "side," but they do have to take you seriously. I know you may be just rebouding with the boys right now, but yeah: always make sure your friendships knock your socks off.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >