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Dear Breakup Girl,

Perfect Jack and I got together about eight months ago; we became friends at work, and, having spent many hours both on and off the clock providing friend-counseling for our assorted affairs of the heart, I found myself single and he found himself single and then there was dinner and suddenly we were happy and in love. Being schooled in the world of love, we both were comfortable taking things slow and built a great foundation for this relationship. He is a great communicator, a warm and expressive person, and a wild man on a mountain bike. We love to play outside together, cook Epicurean discoveries for each other, and read quietly in front of his fireplace.

Then, of course, I moved away to go to law school. I had been planning this for a while, and we sort of blew off the impending departure, saying that 'tis better to have loved and lost, yadda yadda. I left in August, and the plan was to keep in touch, and if we found each other again some day, then boy were we lucky. I returned to my old town in September for a wedding, and Jack and I had the best weekend ever. Since then, we have spoken nightly on the phone and have started planning the future together. In fact, he is coming here this week for a "Relationship Summit" so we can define the parameters.

Here is the catch: Jack is moving, too. But not here. He is actually moving even farther away (currently nine hours, soon to be 12 hours) to take a job that is really fabulous for his career, in a place that will be wonderful for his soul. But I won't be there. Part of me knows that he is not a city man (he's 35, never married, and I am 25, never married, for the record), but part of me feels that if I had any flexibility in my education, I would make a two and a half year sacrifice to be in the same place as Jack, and I don't understand why he is making this decision. I asked him two weeks ago to consider coming here and got sort of a negative response. He really wants to take the job on the table (although he is pretty fantastic at what he does and could get a job in my city just like that (insert finger snap)) "for himself." He needs to do some personal growth stuff since he has never lived outside of his home state. He also says that he thinks he'd be a distraction from my purpose here and says that when I am done, we can find a third locale where we can both be excited about setting roots. So the dilemma is this: Am I being blind? Is this not a guy who is going to compromise or commit? Or is it great that my true love is interested in being a whole person in and of himself? The relationship summit hasn't happened yet, but I think that the ground rules will be "Conduct yourself as if you are in a committed relationship leading likely to marriage, because you are."

--Not a City Girl Either

Dear Jennifer,

I know how much you'll miss miss miss your mountain-biking epicutie while you keep the home fires burning. And I know it smarts smarts smarts that he's not rejiggering everything for you. But indulge your outer LSAT-taker and weigh some of the logical alternatives here.

1. If Jack had said, "Well, hon, I think I'm going to move 12 hours away from you for no particular reason other than to continue my rambling rootless ways, ride my tractor hither and yon, and also maybe play some darts," then you might have yourself a case of biker blindness. But Jen, he's going off for a "job that will be really fabulous for his career, in a place that will be wonderful for his soul." That's a big draw. First time in another state, for someone 35? Reasoning not unsound.

2. And what if he'd said, "I'd like to give up my dream job so that I can come here, watch over your shoulder while you study, and...wait," you might well have written, "EEEK! BREAKUP GIRL! THE PRESSURE!"

So Jen, I'm afraid that I do have to err on the side of the "whole person" defense (though I don't expect you to feel all "Up with whole people!" every day while you grind away in his faraway absence). Go ahead and give him a chance with the new setup, post-Summit. He might be a wild man with ground rules.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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