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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a little worried about my friend. She is an absolute sweetheart, and most of the boyfriends she's had have treated her like dirt until she ends up dumping them like yesterday's garbage. She was boyfriend-free for a while, which she equated with being unpopular, ugly, and/or mean, none of which even begin to apply to her.

Here's where the worry comes in: she's been dating a new guy for quite a few months, and she spends every minute she can with him, no exaggeration. Whenever he's not working or she's not working, they're together. While he seems a lot better than her past boyfriends, when I'm around them together, I detect a lot of little mean things on his part. It's nothing too obvious, nothing cruel, but there are a lot of little things he does which I think may add up to his trying to take out-and-out control of her. He does things like cajole her into changing her plans for him; he takes advantage of her undying devotion to him; he even tried to convince her that because I didn't care for him, I wasn't really her friend. Luckily, she didn't listen.

I feel like I can't tell her because she might dump me rather than him if I did. While he seems to make her happy, she also seems more melancholy around him whenever I see them together. What's really beginning to worry me is that she has changed her plans from "getting a good career and doing what I want" to "marrying [her boyfriend] and having his children." I wouldn't worry if she hadn't been so guy-independent before. I'm afraid he's changing her or, at least, doing the best he can to do so. Can I talk to her about all this or should I wait to see if his behavior improves before I say anything? (Rest assured, if I saw anything abusive or cruel on his part, I would talk to her immediately.)

--Concerned

Dear Concerned,

We are duly reminded in this week's Superlist -- where I note that The Future Homemakers of America has officially changed its name to "Family, Career and Community Leaders of America" -- that "marrying and having children" is indeed a valid and important lifestyle choice. That said, I see why you're concerned. At the risk of sounding dire, the worrisome details you cite all appear on the charter of the Future Violent-Home-Dwellers of America. To wit:

1. I let my partners treat me like dirt.

2. And, ironically, I draw my self-worth from being with them.

3. I compromise (as in "betray myself," not as in "make lucid, healthy, equitable concessions") to please these people.

4. These people try to alienate me from my friends.

5. And from my goals. Somehow I've forgotten that I can, if I choose, have someone -- his kids, even -- and a profession.

6. And you wonder why I seem melancholy when I'm with them?

I understand that this guy's less of a troll than the others, but problem is, that might throw off her judgment -- I mean, he must seem like a breath of fresh freaking air. And I'm not predicting with 100% clairvoyance that this guy will get worse. But if she gets used to this, the next guy won't get better.

Can you talk to her about this?

How can you not?

Well, I can tell you how you shouldn't: you cannot, of course, tell her what to do. (Someone already is.) If I may quote myself: any steps she takes away from him will come when she starts to think to herself, "Hold the phone! I am fierce. And my friends rock." Quick anecdote: once, while wearing her "PRESS" hat, Breakup Girl interviewed a young woman in California who'd finally shored up the chutzpah to dump a guy who jerked her around, figuratively and literally. What made her wake up and get out? The fact that her friends stuck by her, included her in their plans, and constantly reminded her -- even without saying it outright -- that she mattered. So tell your friend you miss her: the her you never see and the her you know she can be. Tell her it's not okay with you when she changes plans -- as in girl-date, and as in career -- in order to be with someone else. And let's hope against hope that she, too, will change her name.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. You might find more resources and suggestions here.

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