< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think that I would be the perfect companion for a guy. Not that I sit at home twiddling my thumbs all weekend, but I just can't seem to find a decent, nice/not so nice guy. I typically go back and forth from guys who are real jerks to ones who are too nice and let me walk all over them. No happy medium for this chica. So, I just ended a relationship with a nice guy and started hanging out with a jerk guy. Didn't date the jerk guy, just hung out. Decided I didn't want that anymore because not only can I do better, but also it just wasn't worth it.

Why do I think I would be a good companion? I am funny, pretty, smart, like to watch sports (football), and LOVE my free time. I have plenty of friends, my own life which I love, and am not at a point where I am willing to give up any of that. I also seem to be able to get along with my boyfriends' family and friends like a champ. I can be either one of the guys or girly whenever I want to, and it seems to work for me.

Now I have found myself in limbo again, and that is fine. However, the last few guys I have met seem always to tell me that I am aggressive. I would never deny this because I know I am. I have always been the type of person to go for what I want and am not afraid to say what is on my mind. My question to you is: aggressive equals BAD? Do guys get scared off by this? Do they want to have the upper hand in the matter? I do know that when I am with the "nice guys" and get my way and get to control the situation that I don't like it. I just want some equality, and I don't want to have to call the shots all the time. However, it seems as if I do that, then I could be waiting around for a long time. So, what do I do: sacrifice my personality and act shy and coy so that some guy will be interested in me enough to "date" me? Or do I remain my aggressive self and wait for the guy that can handle me? Now, if I were to do the first, I know eventually I would feel comfortable and try to take control again. What do you think? It would also be interesting to see what your male readers have to say on this topic.

--Forever Aggressive

Dear Forever Aggressive,

Ah, the old Sandra Dee vs. Sandra B. debate. Who's to say, FA? You march up to some dude and announce, "WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING! WE'RE GOING TO HOULIHAN'S NOW!" -- and sure, he might quake in his Birks. Or not. That kind of command performance on your part could be just the thing his performance anxiety was waiting for. Flipside: you bat an eyelash and drop a hanky, and some Danny will no doubt rush to carry your big heavy books home from school. Only problem: eeeeuw. Sure, you might "feel comfortable and try to take control again" eventually ... of a guy who's not your type in the first place.

So FA, don't bother trying to figure out what kind of girl to be. You already know -- and love -- that. And forget about the best strategy for getting just, like, a guy. Focus instead on what kind of guy you want.

To wit: of course you don't want to call all the shots, all the time. For you, that would be like taking work on vacation. What's the point? It's possible to be aggressive to want someone to step up to the plate sometimes. Not because you need it, but because it's nice.

So just as there's a middle ground for you -- "Sandra C.?" -- there's a middle ground for him, whoever he is. Neither "Nice" nor "Jerk," this guy grooves on who you are. Not because he needs to be needy or needed, but just because he thinks you're the bomb. And says to himself, "She is clearly the kind of person who goes for what she wants. Who-hoo! I, therefore, will go for her."

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Also see Anna-K., above.

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >