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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a woman who has not been romantically involved with anyone for the past six years. This was mostly by choice, especially since right before I went into this "hibernation," I had the misfortune of being with more than one guy who had other girlfriends at the same time he was seeing me. During this long period of singlehood, I spent a lot of time cultivating friendships, advancing my career, and building a strong sense of self-respect. I am proud of these things, but an urge to mate has been rising within me in the past year or so.

Now I am finding myself attracted to a guy who seems also to be attracted to me; however, he has a girlfriend. This is bringing up a lot of negative memories and behavior patterns in me. Part of the negativity is thinking, "I am SO ready to be with someone, by gum, that I am prepared to go through with all of that "other woman" BS again just to end this drought." So I guess I have two separate questions:

1) Is it really a coincidence that I keep falling for guys who are unavailable? I can hear a mythical therapist in my head saying, "You CHOOSE these unavailable men," but it is hard for me to buy it.

2) Current crush aside, how can I tactfully communicate the fact that I haven't been sexually active with a man for six years without sounding like a complete loser? I'm not ashamed of it, just a little worried that it won't exactly be like getting on a bike again?

--Ready For My Closeup

Dear Ready For My Closeup,

Oooh, going for someone taken will not end "the drought." In fact, it will also cause famine and war.

So why, indeed -- especially after you've built big strong cities in the dust -- would you covet someone with a someone-else? Well...actually, I can hear that therapist, too. But let's go ahead and finesse a bit.

a) One possibility: you're the one [over-]interpreting the fact that you'd like to get to know this guy biblically. Maybe you're turning a coincidence into a Thing ("liked polygamous guys before ... of course I'm willing to be this guy's second wife now"). But maybe, just maybe, the last guy and this one are both really [on the surface] cute and cool. Maybe that's what you choose. And sometimes -- hellfire and damnation! -- someone's gotten there first.

b) Also: What properties of "unavailable" men appeal to you? Not as in a wife/dowry, but as in ... attributes? Flirtatious, but not driven? Not needy? A little...calmer than most? Grounded? You tell me. Maybe that's it.

In any case, no need to view this attraction as some sort of reprehensible, indestructible pattern. Rummage in it for what is useful; trust from your other strengths that you will have a veritable cult of devoted, adorable, and available followers.

...Who don't necessarily need a no-play-by-no-play account of your lean years, by the way! Communicate -- or at least say -- nothing. Just take a tip from Madonna (as in "Like a ...") and enjoy. Let's just say it might actually be a lot like getting on a bike. Or, ahem, a horse.

Welcome back, Ready. Try not to worry. I'll let Mr. DeMille know you're here.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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