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Dear Breakup Girl,

A couple of years ago, I met this girl online. We fell in love, and I moved from the Midwest to New England. We went in on a condo together until I did something stupid. She has a daughter (7) who she shares dual custody with her ex. She had made a mistake in agreeing to that and would have to go to court to try to change things. In the meantime, we were talking about someday getting married (although nothing firm was decided). In MA they have old laws on the books that aren't enforced, yet if someone wants to make an issue of it they would be. So I came up with an idea that we should get married so it would look good in court when she sued for full custody. We did, but now I realize that we are not as compatible as it first seemed. She's very negative, snobbish, and self-critical; this bothers me, but there is nothing I can really do to change it (nor is it my right to try to change someone in the first place). I could still be with her, however, since no one can truly be the way we'd like. That's why the word "compromise" is a part of the language.

Now I met someone, by accident, who is everything I want. We can talk about HTML, Java, and other programming languages for hours at a time, yet we both have our fair share of piercings, tattoos and such. We both are guitarists and composers, have similar backgrounds, walked the line between the good and bad sides of town, look at life the same way, etc. To top that all off, she also wants to have kids and stay home to raise them. I can go either way on that, but it is better for the kids if you can avoid day care.

I'm at a stage in my present relationship where I want to break it off, yet it isn't easy; I'm not an uncaring rock or something. My wife loves me too much, perhaps, and her daughter has become attached to me also. I don't want to hurt either of them, but I also know that as time goes on I'll be less and less happy here. I'm not the type who will start being rude or mean to them, but my "eyes won't smile," if you take my meaning.

Is there a way to get out of a relationship in stages? Some strategy to reduce the pain? I mean I could break the news, pack my gear, and be off; many would say that's the way to do it. But there has to be a better way?

--Coven

Dear Coven,

So I guess when you went to court you didn't carry a "space gun" or wear a goatee without a license ("There oughta be a..."). Which, sigh, I guess you've got to keep in mind as you head to ... divorce court. So sorry.

But that wasn't your question. What's the most pain-reduced way of getting there? First, let me hasten to note to all readers that staying in an over relationship does not count as a way to reduce the pain of a breakup. As for you, Coven, neither do I recommend the break-and-pack plan. Gentle-but-firm and direct is good, but you've also got to be responsible for picking up some of the pieces, and not just your own gear. Marriage counseling as exit-interview? Family counseling for the kid? No one's eyes will be smiling, but at least yours will be looking around, seeing what's needed before you're gone. And someday you'll be able to look back without cringing.

As for Ms. Piercing.com, well, she sounds great ... especially in comparison, if you take my meaning. This will take all your willpower, but please do your darndest to connect with her at oh, 2400 bps at first, okay? Ink this one in slow; stay inside the lines. Remember, there's also a way to get into a relationship in stages.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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