< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met "Jamie" when I was handing out food samples. He thought I was cute and gave me his number. We hung out a couple of times. I insisted that we were just platonic friends, but one night when we snuck out to a berry farm intending to have a little midnight snack, it just happened while we were chasing each other through the bushes. You know what I mean, right? The sideways polka? Parking the car in the garage? It happened so quickly that it was over before I knew it.

The thing is, he knows that I have other guys on the side, but he tells me he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me. I don't think that's possible after three weeks, and, frankly, I regret what happened in the bushes because he took away my virginity! What was I thinking?

Yesterday, he introduced me to his best friends, Greg and Heather. At first, they acted very aloof towards me, but after I looked like I was going to puke when Greg ate raw sushi and knocked over two store displays consecutively, they couldn't stop laughing and really softened up. While Heather and Jamie were buying coffee, he asked me if I liked coffee, aromatherapy, movies, or believed in spirituality. The answer was, "No, no, no, and no," so he concluded that Jamie and I had absolutely nothing in common. That was partially true, but I always promised myself that I would go for someone's character, not their personality and looks because that was superficial. Jamie does have a lot of character. (For all those who think personality and character are one, I'm going to clarify. Personality deals with how smart, funny, nice, and outgoing somebody is, while character deals with how that person sticks to principles, integrity, honor and compassion.) I feel a lot more attracted to Greg's looks and personality, though (I am so shallow!), and they both have asked me to move into a house they're renting.

So, do I have to go out with someone because we had sex? Is it immoral to be fooling around with more than one person? What's your take on friends with benefits?

--Dana

Dear Dana,

Yes, I do know what you mean by "the sideways polka," but I don't really know what's going on with or between these guys. So to answer your specific questions:

> I won't say whether or not it's "immoral" to hand out samples to more than one person (or just one "friend with benefits"), but -- depending on the circumstances and how you handle it -- you might not feel that it shows "character." Also, I'd rule it out if you [all] live together.

> Strictly speaking, no, you're under no obligation to drive around on dates after, um, "parking." I was so blue to hear that you regret "sneaking to the berry farm," but it did give me an insight into your question. I think what's going on here is a version of what I call The Transitive Property of Virginity, which is what makes you think:

a. I would/should lose my virginity only to someone I'd date.

b. I lost my virginity to him.

c. Therefore, I will/should date him.

So Dana, if I were you, I'd try try try not to feel bad about what happened sooner and faster than you'd meant it to. You deserve more than a midnight snack. Hold out for personality and character, found in someone who'll whirl you around for an upright kind of waltz.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >