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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am currently in the United States Military and will try to make my question to the point. I am 23 years old and currently stationed [abroad]. I was dating, on the sly, the base Commander's daughter for a period of 4 1/2 months. Well, needless to say, we were "found out," and I was given a direct order to not see her anymore. I have two problems:

1. If I disobey a direct order, it could mean severe punishment for me within the Military (i.e. demotion, transfer, etc.).

2. I love Becky (not her real name), and I know she loves me, too. We still talk on the phone but haven't seen each other in over three weeks. I am wondering if I should follow my heart and disobey my commanding officer. I am currently thinking about not re-enlisting and staying here as a civilian so we can be together. Help! What is your opinion or advice?

--Staff Sergeant

PS: Please don't use my name, as I'm sure Big Brother is reading.

Dear Staff Sergeant,

I know that the armed forces still haven't quite figured out how to deal with, you know, love, but there are compelling reasons -- both military and civilian -- for not disobeying a direct order from your commanding officer.

1. Military: Because you would be disobeying a direct order from your commanding officer. Here's where "job" overrules "adventure." Reality: "demotion, transfer, etc." You're already there; you can't be a conscientious objector. And I can't endorse it.

2. Civilian. Let's say, even, that some way-too-earnest/reckless superhero had said, "No way, man, your heart is your commander-in-chief! The Man can't put you down like that! You've earned both Becky and your stripes -- keep 'em both, at all costs!" In some ideal world -- where, with all due respect, there'd be no [need for the] military in the first place -- I'd say "Hoo-ah!"* too that. But. Think about it: what effect will more months of top-secrecy (which, I might remind you, didn't last) have on your relationship? You will not exactly be at ease; frankly, I don't know how love can grow strong and sturdy in an underground bunker.

So should you stay on as a civilian? Perhaps, if that's what the Chief is commanding; wouldn't be the first time someone left a job in order to de-arm a conflict of interest.

But the person you really should ask about that is not me, but Becky. I am not suggesting that she doesn't love you and want to be with you. But it's a lot for you to give up ... and a lot to ask of her. In a sense, "I GAVE UP MY JOB AND MY HOME COUNTRY ALL FOR YOU" is as high-pressure a thing to deal with as "Quick, darling, behind this Blackhawk!" Maybe even higher-pressure, 'cause now it's the Real Thing, not love-as-war games. So have a serious talk with her, soldier, before you release the doves.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* Military for "Who-hoo!"

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