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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is a rather rare concern and may preclude use in your column. But then again, it may be fun for all.

This may also seem like a self-defeating concern, but what the heck. I was born with a heart defect and underwent about 7 operations before I was 3. I'm lucky I'm alive at all, and no one expected me to live this long (I'm 28 now -- back then open heart surgery was rare indeed). The upshot is that my growth was impaired for years and puberty was delayed 'til I was 17. Now, I'm very small, about 5'3 or 5'4 or so. I'm normally proportioned, aside from almost unnoticeable asymmetry resulting from chest and side operations; I'm not a dwarf or midget. Also, I look very young, depending on whom I ask (or who, oh so pleasantly, volunteers their opinion), between 15-20. I weigh 147 pounds and work out a bit so am pretty muscular but not a sculpted freak or anything. I am going on boringly about my looks because that's the crux of the question.

I've slept with only two women in my life. One of those was in a six-year relationship/marriage/divorce, so that did preclude a long list of partners. The point to all this is that I believe I'm highly unattractive to almost all women. I'm neither ugly nor exceptionally handsome. My father and brother, who are both normal height and look or looked vaguely like me, draw or drew women like flies to honey (or bees -- yes that's it -- pretty, beautiful, useful bees). My term "ugly" for myself is just shorthand for "lacking standards of male attractiveness."

Let's be clear about it all. In my opinion, this society puts weight as women's chief sign of beauty (followed by breasts, hair color, etc.). It sucks, and I don't agree with a lot of it, but there it is. "Thin equals feminine," they tell us. An overweight but classy woman on TV is an anomaly to say the least, and overweight is what, like a size 6 these days? Well, in my (rather experienced) opinion, what weight is to women, height is to men (the measuring stick for masculinity). A 5'4" man is like a 300-pound woman in terms of physical beauty in this country. No matter how strong or smart or funny or pleasant he may be (and I am all those things and more!), his height will always be the overriding factor.

Am I overreacting to my physical deficiencies? The evidence seems to be in my favor: women aren't interested in me except as a friend. For the record, my marriage was quite pleasant 'til it ended abruptly, for reasons that had nothing to do with my appearance. But my ex-wife was a remarkable woman, and I believe to this day that almost no woman would ever consider me as a sexually attractive being.

To wrap all this up and yet to confuse it further, let me add this. I'm a freelance journalist/illustrator, fairly reclusive, and have a naturally low sex drive. I'm not that interested in sex when it's not readily available. (My relationships and marriage had a rigorous sex life, but both before and after them, I did nothing to seek out sexual company.) I'm not pining for women to come running their hands down my (rather scarred) chest. Still, I would like to know whether I'm just blind to it all. Do I not get flirted with just because I don't flirt? It seems some woman somewhere would start if I was really not unattractive. What else could it be? If I was a 25-29 year old woman, I wouldn't want to start hitting on a guy who looks 17.

--E.

Dear E.,

Delighted and inspired to hear of the medical near-miracle that is your 28 years.

Not gonna argue with you about "society's" measuring sticks. For you, the First Step (women hitting on you) might -- might -- be steeper. But who's to say -- as I told Bobby -- that a woman who does is by definition doing so for the "right" reasons? Some guys who go for "full-figured" do so with a creepy fetish, not an open mind; any chest-toucher might be working some FlorenceNightin Gal number.

Conversely, when women are not INTERESTEDinterested, who says it's always because of your looks? Your youthfulness is not the norm, but there are always folks who'll find it fine, even kinkily adorable; scars are ... well, look at Seal. As for slight height, it's all relative; remember, I'm 5' 2" in skates.

But E. "Fun for all?" See, kid, you lost your mojo right there. Hate to say it (so I'll make Breakup Belleruth, in just a sec), but from the top down, your attitude is less attractive than any visions conjured of your appearance. Says B: "Never mind looks; it's the anger, self-pity, overly-defended and off-putting bitterness and self-deprecation -- which is exhausting to the listener, who feels called-upon to protest and guilty for whatever 'normalcy' s/he sports -- that people will see."

Hey, though, you know what? "This is good news, E, because it's something you can do something about. You can stay home, use your looks as an excuse for personality-stasis, and curse your fate -- safe, but boring, and no fun for anyone, least of all yourself. Or you can marshal the 'strong and smart and funny and pleasant' we know are in there."

That heart defect, E? They fixed it. Live and love that way.

Love,
Breakup Girl and Belleruth

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