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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's my dilemma: He just broke off our 3 year relationship/engagement. We had a number of normal couple problems, but there were two main issues at the heart of every problem. One of these was a serious bout of infidelity on his part that took place early in our relationship. It was a brief relationship with someone else that I found out about (through him) months after it happened, and it had seemed to be a clarifying moment for him (i.e. "Wow, I feel terrible about what happened. I guess I love you after all"). We worked to get past it, some days better than others, but it was (pretty much) all better. Happy days, fun times. The problem was that he did not practice full disclosure about the affair initially, despite my direct questions and repeated requests to know if he had told me all there was to tell. He was too scared of what would happen if he admitted the extent of the relationship, and eventually this spun off into me getting bits and pieces of the full story over a period of about a year (including some other unpleasant info on less serious exploits during our togetherness). Needless to say, instead of having one large, painful, but ultimately cleansing moment that would have been over and done with, we had many, many small painful moments that kept tearing down trust just as it was starting to build up again. Ultimately, this led to tons of secret, silent, hurt feelings, resentment, distrust, etc. on both our parts until he cut loose. But this is not why I write.

The problem is this: I have a close friend, Jill, who is now in nearly the EXACT SAME SITUATION. She is dating a guy, Mark, who treats her better than anyone she's ever gone out with (my ex was a sweetheart), a guy I'd lay money would never cheat (same as my ex), who did cheat by dating another girl for a few weeks (she found out through a mutual friend). She has spoken with him about it and, after much soul searching, has decided to stay with him and work through it. Like me. Great, fine, more power to her.

But then I get a call from a mutual friend busting at the seams to tell me that she heard that Mark did much more than just date this girl. We both decided to keep our mouths shut and our noses out of it (especially as I don't know how reliable this friend/info is). Days pass and Mark and Jill seem to be going along okay when I hear from the mutual friend again. This time she's telling me she heard that Mark is spreading it amongst his friends that he was "seeing" (in all senses of the word) multiple girls. At this point, I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, no situation or couple is exactly alike, but this one is eerily similar to my own experience. Plus, the fact that there seems to be a good deal more lying between Mark and Jill makes me very nervous that at some point down the road, after Jill has gotten resettled in the relationship, she'll find out the truth, and it will hurt that much worse. On the other hand, as much as I don't want to see her hurt, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news that she may, honestly, choose to ignore. It occurred to me that another option may be to go straight to Mark and give him the "you hurt my friend, I hurt you" type of talk, but I'm afraid that may even turn out to be damaging (i.e. he might become more of a jerk to her). From the template of my experience, I see nothing good coming of this if the two of them don't bring it out into the open and clean house. I understand that conventional wisdom says stay out of it, but what does Breakup Girl say about my responsibility to my friend?

--Psychic Friend

Dear Psychic Friend,

First of all, no, don't go to Mark. Instead, go back to the beanspiller. Who did she hear what from? How reliable is that person? The Truth may not be out there, but you can at least feel like you did your homework before you ...

talk to your friend. Sort of. Your own experience probably heightens your reaction here, but it can also help. Without being too hamhanded and nudge-nudge-wink-wink and obvious, is there some way you could revisit your own situation, reflect aloud on how information was or wasn't disclosed to you, and see where she takes it? Use her response to decide whether she'd want you to tell or not.

Still, your "responsibility" to your friend is not Either (a) Tell or (b) Not. It is to do your good faith best to do what you think is best. And considering that you will have -- if obliquely -- asked both her and BG, you're in good shape.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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